


It's Okay If It's Not Okay

by wingsfromthewater



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, I just couldn't help it, M/M, Therapy, because fuck the mage, i had to see how the characters would fit in at hogwarts, simon is very pro therapy, the hogwarts au nobody ever wanted, the mage doesn't exist in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-05-28 08:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsfromthewater/pseuds/wingsfromthewater
Summary: If Simon and Baz were students at Hogwarts instead of Watford, so little would really change.





	1. Professor Crucible

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I know. WIPs are the worst. But this one is basically done, just needs some editing. I plan on posting a new chapter every three or four days.
> 
> Also, if you started reading this when I first started posting this under the name 'Simon Snow and the Very Hungry Vampire', you may have noticed that the title is different. I felt like I needed to change it to match the tone of the story better.

Year 7, September 1st  
Simon- "Where is Baz?" I said. I didn't even realize I had thought it until I had said it and Penny and Agatha were looking at me like I was losing my mind in front of them.

"What did you say, Simon?" asked Agatha. The late afternoon sun was slanting through the window of the training, glinting off the Head Girl Badge on her cloak hypnotically. 

"Baz," I said. "We've been walking up and down the whole length of the train all afternoon and we haven't seen him. He wasn't with Dev and Niall and I haven't seen him anywhere else."

"We probably just missed him," said Penny, reasonably. She wasn't a prefect this year, but she and I had still walked with Agatha as she performed her head girl duties, just as we had done for the past two years. We were standing in the corridor at the front of the train, just as we had done for the past two years and the train swayed just as it had done every year since I was eleven and first going to Hogwarts with no idea what to expect. I suddenly realized that this was my last train ride to Hogwarts, and I felt the beginning of a knot in my throat. I refocused on Baz just to give my brain something else to think about. 

"We've been the whole length of the train twice," I said. "How could we possibly have missed him?"

"We didn't look in every single compartment," Penny said.

"But if he wasn't with Dev or Niall, who would he have been with?" I asked. "Does he even have any other friends?"

"Maybe he's got a girlfriend," said Agatha.

I made a face. "That doesn't sound like Baz," I said.

They were both staring at me at this point so I thought I should drop it. I half listened to Penny telling Agatha about apparition lessons and how her brother had splinched himself on his first try but really I was thinking about Baz. Was he just coming back to Hogwarts some other way than on the train? Was he going to crash a car into the Whomping Willow during the feast? That didn't really seem like his style. He'd be more likely to land a flying MG in the courtyard and flick the keys to a house elf to park it.

As we pulled in to Hogsmeade station, I was distracted by the bustle of students gathering their cloaks and and wands and escaped pets. We poured off the train and into the darkness of the platform. I could hear Hagrid yelling "First years! First years over here!" and it still gave me a thrill of nostalgia just like it had done when I was a first year. Sometimes I was reminded that I was actually living in the world of the books that I loved as a kid and it weirded me out too much to think about it. 

Of course, nothing could compare in terms of weirdness to the day that Harry Fucking Potter showed up at my care home to tell me I would be going to Hogwarts.

I had read Harry Potter, just like all the other boys in the home. We had one copy of each of the books that got passed around between us until the covers were starting to fall off. Those books kept me company on many sleepless nights. It was great to read about an orphan boy, just like me, discovering he had magic and going off to a castle and fighting off evil and saving the world. But I'll never forget the feeling when I found out it was real.

Penelope grabbed my elbow, pulling me forward. We followed the stream of students heading towards the horseless carriages and I kept expecting to see Baz. Every time I caught a glimpse of dark hair out of the corner of my eye, my head flicked in that direction of its own accord but each time I was disappointed to see that it was someone else. The last straw was when I did this only to realize that the dark hair I had caught out of the corner of my eye belonged to a black cat owned by a young Hufflepuff student. My brain was being absolutely ridiculous and I was starting to worry about it.

I piled into the carriage with Penny and Agatha and we rolled down the path towards Hogwarts and through the gate for one finale time. I stared out the window waiting to catch my last first glimpse of the castle. It was beautiful, silhouetted against the moonlit sky with welcoming light glowing through the windows. The knot in my throat was back. 

I tried to stay cool as we entered the great hall. Agatha split off from Penny and me to go sit at the Slytherin table. Penny and I took our usual seats, across the aisle from each other, back to back, her at Ravenclaw and me at Hufflepuff. I had Hufflepuff friends and Gareth eventually came and sat across from me but Penny was my best friend and we always sat back to back during meal times but usually ended up holding our plates and spinning around to face each other before the meal was through. 

Tonight, I almost immediately turned around in my seat, not to talk to Penny but craning my head to look along the Ravenclaw table, looking for Baz. I became more incredulous as more and more students came in, but he hadn't appeared. Eventually, the last of the older students entered and everyone was seated. The room was momentarily still as we waited for the Sorting to begin. And Baz still was there. 

"Baz isn't here, Penny," I whispered. "If he had been on the train, he would had to have come in by now, wouldn't he? Was he sick? Was he just not coming back for his seventh year? He wouldn't be the first wizard to decide not to complete his seventh year."

Professor McGonagall was bringing in the sorting hat as I whispered, and Penny flapped her hands at me, trying to get me to shut up.

Agatha was waiting for me after the feast. As we walked towards the stairs to the dungeons, I craned my head to look around the crowd, looking for Baz. I was practically walking backwards as we neared the stairs and I didn't notice until Agatha grabbed my arm. 

"What is wrong with you, Simon?" she asked. “Why are you so concerned about where Baz is?” Her eyes were wide, and it seemed as though she was serious rather than joking. 

"I just don't trust him," I said. "I like it best when I can see him."

Agatha raised an eyebrow at this.

"When I know what he's up to. I know he's plotting somewhere. It just makes me nervous that I haven't seen him yet. It makes me think he's planning something big."

"Or he's sick," Agatha said. "Or he's, I don't know, on vacation! Or he's doing something more important than being at school."

"Nothing is more important to Baz than school," I said. "He wouldn't miss our last start of term feast unless it was really important."

"I'm going to bed Simon," Agatha said. "Don't stew on this. I'm sure he'll be here to torture you tomorrow."

She turned down the hall to the Slytherin common room and I walked towards Hufflepuff. Despite what Agatha said, I couldn't help stewing on it. Every year, Baz had taken the first opportunity he got to insult me or jinx me or, in third year, push me in to the lake. The only year he had completely ignored me was fifth year and that had been the worst. That year, I had found out that he was a vampire and he tried to feed me to a giant spider in the forest. Now he wasn't here at all. How could Agatha blame me for being worried?

That night, I couldn't sleep so I snuck out through the barrels and into the castle. I stopped as always in the kitchen before going up the owlery. 

I never was a particularly deep sleeper. The homes I lived in as a kid were always loud, and I usually shared a room with at least one other boy. The noise never seemed to disturb anyone else though, so I often found myself sitting up at night by the light of a streetlamp while my roommates snored and traffic rolled by the window.

Hogwarts was amazingly quiet after that, even sharing a room with four other boys. As soon as I would swing the curtain around my bed shut, everything would go silent, except the loudest snores. The curtains were charmed, of course. Even, with charmed curtains, there were still some nights that I couldn't sleep. It was always worst in the first month back to school. As a first year, I was excited to find that I could leave my room and go sit in the common room by the fire and read or play exploding snap or gobstones until I got tired. I was even more excited to realize, that I could leave the common room and wander around the halls.

But the best discovery of my first year was the painting of a bowl of fruit, just down the hall from the Hufflepuff common room. I always ate as much as I could at dinner, but I still sometimes woke up hungry in the middle of the night. That night was particularly bad because I hadn't eaten enough at dinner because I was mad and ranting at Penny instead of eating.

I had just been yelled at again in Potions. I was terrible at Potions. In charms I could usually muscle my way through spells and just throw a lot of power at something to get it to work. I wasn't graceful but I usually got the job done. I was actually pretty good at Transfiguration because I had always been good at finding patterns and similarities and I used to spend ages laying in the grass looking up at clouds or stars and imagining pictures. But in almost every single potion class in my first two weeks of first year, I ended up either exploding or melting a cauldron. 

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had potions together and my table was right across the aisle from Baz and Niall. I know I rubbed Baz the wrong way from the start. My cauldron exploded in our first class and part of my potion landed in Baz's cauldron. This made Baz shriek, in a high pitched and girly way which he thought was my fault for some reason. To get back at me, in our next class, he switched out my dandelion root with mandrake which caused my cauldron to let off stinking clouds of orange smoke. It escalated until we were yelling insults in the halls and nearly got into a fight in flying lessons. 

It all came to a head in potions a few weeks later. I was carrying a bottle of essence of fluxweed back to my table when Baz stuck out his foot and tripped me. I stumbled against my cauldron tipping an entire flask in. The bottom of the cauldron immediately liquified sending potion across the floor. I lunged at Baz, unable to form words. Before I was able to do anything violent, Professor Crucible grabbed me by the arm. 

"Into my office, Snow. And you as well, Pitch", he roared. He spun me around and gave me a good shove towards his office door, pushing Baz to follow me. We stood in the office glaring at each other. 

"You, you absolute... you!" I sputtered, glaring at Baz.

"Me what?" he said smirking.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I said, my teeth grinding together I spoke. "It's not like I need your help to mess up a potion."

"No, you really don't," Baz said. He smiled, his teeth glinting, but it didn't reach his eyes. I was like being smiled at by a wolf.

The professor came into the office, closing the door behind him with a snap.

"I've cleaned up your mess, Snow," he began. "I seem to have done that quite a bit since you've started here."

Baz smirked harder.

"Not everyone is naturally gifted at potions, but it is of utmost importance that every wizard and witch master at least the basics," Professor Crucible continued. "That is some students need to take extra potions lessons. You won't be the first student who has needed extra lessons," he said. "Don't worry."

He rounded on Baz. "Now you, Pitch. I expect better from you. Your mother was the star of Ravenclaw house in her day."

"My potions are fine, sir," Baz interjected. 

"Your potions have been excellent so far," agreed Professor Crucible. "But if you think I haven't noticed you and Snow picking and poking at each other since day one, then I am offended by how obtuse you must think me to be. I understand Pitch, that there have been circumstances in your past, unfortunate circumstances, but I cannot allow you to behave in this way to a fellow student. Therefore, you will be meeting with Snow once per week until Christmas, to assist him with his potions work."

"Sir!" we both yelled, each of us trying to protest louder than the other. 

"You will meet here, every Wednesday evening after dinner for one hour, under my supervision," the professor declared. "Snow, you may leave. Baz, one more word please."

So of course, I was too busy complaining about all of that to Penny that night at dinner to actually eat enough food. Which is why I found myself out walking the halls, later that night. I was drawn to a delicious looking painting of a bowl of fruit. The paint was textured and swirled, and I just had to touch it and see what it felt like. As I lightly brushed my finger across the pear, it giggled, and the painting swung forward. And I discovered my favorite place in Hogwarts, the kitchen. 

I discovered my second favorite place at Hogwarts not long after. I loved to go to the owlery late at night and look out across the ground and the forest. I usually stopped at the kitchen first for a snack and would take it up to the owlery. Sometimes, one or two owls who had returned early, would sit with me and I would feed them bits of bread. That was what I was doing in my fifth year, the first time I saw Baz sneak into the Forbidden Forest.

You'd think that me and Baz would have been able to avoid each other, living in separate houses. But Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw were scheduled together for flying lessons, Herbology and potions in our first year and by the end of the first term, would couldn't walk past each other in the halls without one of us bashing his shoulder in to the other. Baz was constantly sabotaging me in potions and herbology and I would track him down after class and try to get in a few good punches before he stupefied me. The only class he left me alone in was flying but that was just because he was so much better than anybody else and I think he would have rather been flying than down on the ground taunting me. 

Through it all, we had weekly potion lessons on Wednesday afternoon. I didn't know why Baz kept coming back after that first term, but I think Professor Crucible had known Baz's mum. He always treated Baz like an equal and I think Baz liked that. Eventually, Baz actually started helping me though he was never friendly about it. By the end of fourth year, I was consistently getting good enough grades on my own and we stopped meeting for potions lessons. 

Fifth year was weird. Baz didn't insult me; he didn't shove me or jinx me. He barely even looked at me most of the time. Or at least, not when he thought I would notice. I started to catch him looking at me when he thought I wouldn't see and then looking away as soon as I tried to stare him down. Something clearly was up but I didn't figure it out until March.

Though I had been in the habit of sneaking out of my common room at night before, it was in fifth year that I really became an expert at it. I had a hard time sleeping that year. Even after a month back at Hogwarts, I spent hours lying in my bed at night starting up at the canopy before drifting off to sleep. It seemed a shame to be wasting all that time when I could be doing something interesting. Baz also looked like he wasn't sleeping much, and most days had circles under his eyes. He was just as unpleasant as ever and glared at me when I caught his eye, but he was a lot quieter about it, going out of his way to cause problems for me less often than he used to.

He had to be plotting something big. That was the only reason for it that I could imagine. He was clearly trying to lure me into a false sense of security. So, I took to investigating the hidden passageways and secret rooms of Hogwarts, trying to find clues as to what he was up to. It was then that I found my favorite hiding spot, high up in a little nook overlooking one of the main hallways. I spent many nights up there watching. But the owlery was still my favorite.

It was the first warmish night of the spring, so I decided to go up to the owlery since I hadn't been in a while. I took some food from the kitchen and went up after hours. I leaned against the parapet, eating a sandwich with one hand and petting one of the school owls with the other. Every once and awhile, I pulled a piece of crust off the bread and held it out to her. She very gently pulled it out of my fingers, softly hooting and nuzzling my hand to pet her again. I stared out across the tops of the trees of the Forbidden Forest. I liked to come up here on clear nights and wait long enough for my eyes to adjust to the darkness that I could see the constellations and the Milky Way. Before Hogwarts, I had always lived in cities and almost never got a good look at the stars. Even after five years, I could stare at the sky until my neck hurt and still keep staring because I couldn't look away. 

The owl pecked at my sandwich, wanting more bread and I glanced down to hand some to her when I saw movement on the grounds. Someone was running into the forest. He was wearing a black cloak which blended into his hair making him look like a shadow as he darted across the grounds. As I watched, he glanced behind him up to the school and I recognized him instantly. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness so everything on the grounds stood out fairly clearly to me but really, I would recognize the shape of that nose anywhere. Baz was running flat out into the Forbidden Forest for an unknown reason at eleven o'clock at night. 

My first instinct was to turn around and run down all the many flights of stairs and out the front doors of the castle to chase after him but I knew I had no chance of catching up to him even if I could get out of the castle without being caught. Instead, I stayed in the owlery focusing on the spot where he had disappeared into the forest. How had he gotten out of the castle? How had Ebb,the caretaker or her cat, Goat, not caught him? And why was he going into the forest? What was he was plotting? I always told Penny I thought he was plotting things but that was really only to give a name to the strange feeling I had gotten from him from the very beginning. But this seemed to confirm what I had always said. Clearly, the only reason to go into the forest in the middle of the night was for something very dark. 

For the next few nights, I watched him from my nook, looking for patterns and clues. I had discovered the nook in my first year. It was cozy there and it is the place where I always felt the magic of the castle the most. Ghosts often swept up and down the halls, the suits of armor clinked and there were paintings covering the walls on either side up to the ceiling. When I was staking out Baz during our fifth year, I spent a lot of time watching those paintings. My favorite was of a little black cat. Her frame was all the way up near the ceiling so that most people walking below would never notice it. I did though. I had gotten to know her and had taken to calling her Morgana in my head. I never had a pet because I wouldn't have been able to take care of one during breaks at the care homes. So, she was the closest thing I had.

I think she started to recognize me as well because she would often stand and stretch when I arrived and then run through frames down to a painting of a field. She would disappear into the grass, with only her waving black tail visible and then pounce and return to her frame a few moments later and deposit a mouse right in front. She would sit, looking at me as though to say, "Why don't you thank me? You don't appreciate the things I do for you."

I did though because on nights when I was particularly tired or stressed, she would stay in her frame and purr until I relaxed and sometimes fell asleep. 

Night after night, Baz appeared just before eleven, striding down the hallway seemingly unworried about being caught. I squeezed through the hatch the led to my nook and ran along the corridor and down the stairs, slowing towards the bottom so I wouldn't make a sound. I waited several seconds before lifting the tapestry and peering out. He was out of sight, but I could hear his shoes as he marched down the grand staircase. I crouched at the top of the stairs, waiting to see how he would get out the front door, half expecting Ebb to leap out of the shadows and catch him. But he strode purposefully across the great hall, pulled the giant front doors open, just enough for him to slip out and he was gone. 

I knew I couldn't follow him across the grounds without him seeing me so I crept back up to my hiding spot to wait. The next night, I left the castle a little before eleven. Goat spotted me in the great hall but I had filtched a little catnip from Herbology so she was well and distracted when I slipped out the doors. I ran around the castle and into the woods behind the green houses, back further than where I had seen Baz enter the woods before. 

I found a large bush and I crouched behind it, waiting. Eventually, I saw him through the trees, just the flicker of a black cloak. As he entered the forest, he slowed from a run to a prowl. He moved through the forest silently. I tried to follow him, but he was so quick and left practically no trace as he moved through the trees. I on the other hand, was constantly snapping branching and crunching leaves. A herd of elephants would probably have been less obvious than me. I knew I was never going to able to be fast and quiet enough to keep up with up without him knowing I was there. So, I went back to my hiding spot and waited. 

It became a ritual for me. Every night I would sneak out and sit behind the bush, watching. Some nights he wouldn’t come but usually he did. And every night confirmed my suspicion that he was a vampire. One night, he even walked past the bush with a little drop of red on his lips that he wiped away with the tip of his finger as he walked past. 

It seemed that he had a set path that he liked to take into the woods. I began following behind him, a little deeper into the woods every night. Maybe he was beginning to get sloppy or maybe I was getting better at tracking him, but I began seeing signs that he had been passed, broken branch or a splatter of blood. 

This continued until the week before our O.W.L.’s. It was a bright, moonlit, warm, spring night. I had been following Baz’s path to where it seemed to pass between a group of rhododendron bushes. I pushed and shoved my way through until I burst out into a clearing, practically running in to Baz who was standing there waiting for me. 

I pulled out my wand, pointing it at him. And the infuriating arse just cocked one perfect eyebrow at me. 

“Well?” he said, looking so calm and collected. I wanted to push him just to ruffle him up a bit.

“I- well. What?” I stammered, completely at a loss for words. I knew I was loud and obvious when I started following him, but I thought I had gotten better. He seemed completely unsurprised though, as if he’d expected me to be there.

“Snow, you’ve been following me for months. Did you never think about what you would do when you actually caught up to me?” he said, his voice low and smooth. His eyes were trained on my mine and he was moving slowly toward me. I felt completely paralyzed. It only then occurred to me that, if Baz was a vampire, following him around the forest was a very stupid things to do. 

I pulled my wand out of my back pocket and trained it on him. “I know what you are,” I said, trying not to let my sudden fear show in my voice.

Baz continued walking until his chest bumped the tip of my wand. “And what is that?” he asked, grasping my arm to lower my wand and leaning in even closer.

“A vampire,” I said softly, my voice shaking softly despite myself. 

He stared at me for a long moment, his hand still tight around my wrist. Then he threw his head back and began to laugh. He laughed so hard, his eyes were watering, and he let go of my wrist to whip the tears away. I was so uncertain about what was going on that I didn’t even raise my wand again. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, when he was finally able to speak again. “It’s late. I’m going back to the castle.” Then he brushed past me, knocking hard into my shoulder just like he did in the corridors and walked off in to the woods.

I stopped following him after that, but he was even more cagey for the rest of the term. By the time sixth year began, he was back to his old self, throwing insults and curses in the hallways and sneering at me every chance he got.

But now, at the beginning of our seventh year, he was nowhere to be found.


	2. Dandelion Roots

4th Year

Simon-  
“Thinner, Snow and keep the pieces even sized,” said Baz, looking down his nose at my dandelion roots. They looked perfectly fine to me. I had just spent a quarter of an hour chopping them precisely while Baz had done nothing but sit next to me with his nose in a book.

He always brought a book to our potions lessons. It was often one of the Narnia books. I didn’t understand how he could read fiction when we were basically living it but he always finished his homework quickly and then pulled a book out from his bag, pausing occasionally to insult my potion making. But I was getting better so I wasn’t going to complain. Too much. 

I finished the last bit of the root and set down my knife, reaching for my book. Baz glanced up from his book.

“Thinner,” he said and vanished my roots.

Baz-  
When Snow gets mad, his ears get bright red and his cheeks flush like he’s being lit up from the inside. His eyes seem to get darker blue too. 

Potions lessons could probably be a lot more pleasant if I didn’t constantly prod him to make him mad. We could probably even be friends. But I love to watch his ears get shades brighter red by the second. So, I vanished his dandelion roots and smirk at him. 

“The hell, Baz!” he snarled. He wouldn’t yell because Professor Crucible was just inside his office with the door open. “Put them back!”

He banged his fist hard on the countertop. It looked like it might have hurt but he didn’t seem to notice. His face was so flushed it looks like it would be hot to the touch. I stayed icy and asked, “Do you want to make this potion correctly or do you want it to blow up in your face?”  
“I want… I…” He took a deep breath. “I want to get it right, obviously,” He said. “But I also want you to be less of a prat about it.”

“You can’t always get what you want,” I said flopping another set of dandelion roots on to the table in front of him. 

He glared for another moment but picked up the knife and turned to his task. When I looked up from my book a few minutes later, I saw a perfectly cut set of dandelion roots.

6th year  
Simon-  
I don’t know why I decided to take N.E.W.T. level potions. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do for a job after Hogwarts. There were lots of things that sounded really interesting. Some required N.E.W.T. level potions and some didn’t. But it just didn’t feel right to stop taking it and, thanks to Baz my O.W.L.’s were high enough that I could join the N.E.W.T. level class.

I got back my first homework assignment and was quickly starting to think it had been a mistake. Though fifth year had been hard, potions class this year seemed nearly impossible. I was completely lost. Though Baz had stopped helping me in fifth year, I knew I couldn’t do it without him. 

After dinner, I went up the library and waited just outside the door. I didn’t want to ask him in front of all his Ravenclaw friends. Or in front of anyone really. I had just started to nod off when I heard the library door swing open. I looked down the hall and saw Baz walking away towards the Ravenclaw common room.

“Baz,” I called out, running towards him. He stiffened and paused for a moment but didn’t stop. I kept running until I got ahead of him and then stopped in his path. “Baz wait a minute,” I said. He did stop then. He had to or run in to me.

“What do you want Snow?” he asked, eyes narrowed.

“I need your help again,” I said. “With potions.”

Baz-  
Of course, he needs my help. He was nearly helpless, even with me tutoring him every week. And now the fool was in N.E.W.T. level potions, were he has no right to be and where he spends the whole class distracting everyone by his ineptness.

“No,” I said, starting to move around him. “It’s not my problem anymore. Get Bunce to help you.”

He grabbed my arm. “Please, Baz,” he said. Damn him, of course I was going to say yes. He never asked me for anything so I how could I deny him the one thing he did ask for? But then, how could I sit next to him for an hour and a half every Wednesday night, less than a foot away from him without completely giving up the game? How long would it take for him to realize I was completely in love with him? Two weeks, three? Maybe a month, actually. He can be quite thick.

He stared at me while I thought, his hand still on my arm. He probably forgot it was there. I stared into his blue eyes and he looked at me through his lashes though we are practically the same height. Merlin and Morgana.

“Ask me nicely,” I said, practically involuntarily.

“Please Baz, can you help me with potions? I need you. I’m not going to pass the class without you,” he said, his voice practically a whisper. 

Shit, this is a terrible idea. “No,” I say. His face crumpled and he looked like a kicked puppy. Every single thing he ever feels shows clear as day on his face. I pushed passed him and walk up the hall, practically running to get away from him. “Please, Baz,” he called after me.

Bloody hell, how could I say no? “Fine,” I called back. “Wednesday night.”

Merlin’s beard, I’m living a charmed life.


	3. Break Up

7th Year  
I started going up the owlery almost every night though I knew that it didn’t make sense. If Baz came back, I would surely see in him in class or in the Great Hall before I saw him sneaking out to the Forest. 

I went to the Potions classroom on the first Wednesday night of the semester, more out of habit than anything. Professor Crucible came out of his office and looked at me oddly.

“Can I help you?” he said. “Did you need help on an assignment?” 

I looked at Baz’s seat, as though I could will him back from wherever he was hiding. Then I looked back at Professor Crucible and shook my head and backed out of the room without a word. 

I even cornered Dev in the courtyard at the beginning of the second week of term. I stomped over to him, my fists clenched, bracing for a fight. “Where’s Baz?” I spat out.

“None of your business, Snow,” he drawled. He didn’t quiet have Baz’s cool, but it looked like he was trying. 

I leaned closer, staring him down. “Where is he?” I growled. 

“What do you care?” he snarled but his eyes where shifty and he seemed uncertain.

“Do you even know?” I asked, stepping back. I was a bit shocked since, when Baz was at Hogwarts, you almost never saw him without his minions.

“Fuck off,” he said, standing and pushing past me to walk across the courtyard.

I even tried to talk to some of the professors but all they ever told me was that they couldn’t discuss the personal affairs of another student with me.

So, I did the only thing I could think to do and wandered the corridors late at night when I should have been sleeping. I stayed out later and later and there were a few nights when I fell asleep in the owlery or in my nook and didn’t wake until I heard the sounds of students going to the Great Hall for breakfast. 

By October, Penny was starting to comment on the circles under my eyes and Agatha and I had had several arguments which had ended with her yelling, “Why can’t you just let it go?” before storming off.

I lay across the sofa in front of the fire in the Hufflepuff common room, my arms over my eyes and my feet on Penny’s lap. It was rare to get a whole sofa to yourself, especially the one in front of the fire but Penny had glared down the previous occupants and they had gone running. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she asked.

“No,” I said, drawing the word out in to a sigh. “It’s just, I didn’t even really know anything was wrong, you know? Sure, we hadn’t spent as much time together this year, but I didn’t really think it was that bad.” I lifted my arms and glanced at Penny who nodded at me as if to say, ‘Go on’. 

“It’s just hard to find time for her when there’s classes and homework and Quidditch games and trying to figure out what happened to Baz.”

“So, you’re saying you broke up with Agatha because of Baz?” asked Penny with a grin.

I yanked out one of the pillows from behind my head and flung it at her. She laughed and caught it. “I didn’t break up with her, she broke up with me!” I said. I set my head back down and realized I was now lying flat on my back with no pillows to prop my head up so I could keep an eye on Penny. 

Instead, I stared at the ceiling of the common room, watching the shadows from the flickering firelight play across the wood beams. “Aggie said she felt it coming for a while and if I’m honest, I agree with her. She asked me why, if I had been feeling the same way, did I wait for her to bring it up. She called me a coward.” I pressed my hands to my eyes again trying to shut out everything in the world except the warmth of the fire, the soft sofa beneath me and the feeling of Penny’s hand gently resting on my ankle. “I just guess I thought we had a good thing going. I didn’t think we needed to mess with it right away. We could have just waited until the end of the year and gone our separate ways as friends.”

“Would you really want Agatha to pretend to feel something that she didn’t actually feel for a whole year?” asked Penny. “Would you have wanted to do that?” 

“I guess it wouldn’t have felt that different for me,” I said.


	4. Halloween

7th Year  
Simon-  
Baz turned up at the Halloween feast out of nowhere. Professor McGonagall had just finished a short speech welcoming everyone and her wand was raised to summon the food, so it was completely silent, and everyone was facing towards her and when the doors flew open. I swear I felt a gust of cold air even though I was sitting on the other side of the hall. And Baz was standing right there, almost appearing to glow against the darkness of the Entrance Hall behind him. I jumped up as if I had been shocked, knocking down a goblet in the process. Baz stared right at me and wrinkled his nose as though he smelled something awful. 

He looked pretty awful. I could tell from all the way across the room. He had deep circles under his eyes and his skin looked greyer than usual, even under the warm candlelight of the hall. There was something off about his walk too. He walked with his usual strut like he thinks he owns the place but there was something stiff or uneven about it. Maybe he really has been sick.

Baz~  
It probably wasn’t necessary for me to show up right at the beginning of the Halloween Feast. It definitely wasn’t necessary for me to stand outside the door and wait until McGonagall had finished speaking to blow the doors open with a cold blast of air. But if a student misses half of a term and then shows up out of nowhere with no explanation, people are going to talk about it. I just wanted a little control over what they’re saying. 

Everyone stared at me and Simon Snow jumped to his feet like he’s on some Muggle soap opera and the long lost twin returned in the middle of a thunderstorm (Fiona likes watching Muggle soap operas and she constantly had them on the TV while I was recovering in her flat). 

Snow looked terrible. I wanted to stare at him because as terrible as he looks, he is always a welcome sight. I sneered at him instead. He was pale and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t gotten a good night sleep in two months. I wondered what had been happening while I’d been gone.

Niall moved down on the bench and Dev grabbed a plate and put in front of my spot. Neither of them asked where I’d been right away but I’m sure they will once we get up to our dormitory. I’d decided not to answer any questions and let people come up with their own stories. I would rather hear other people's theories about where I’d been than think about what actually happened.

Simon-  
With Baz back, I felt like I could finally focus on things other than him. I knew where he is again and, though I didn’t know what he’s up to yet, I knew there would be answers coming. I went back up to the owlery every night and watched him run across the grounds into the forest. Or not run, walk quickly. There was clearly something wrong with one of his legs and it seemed to get worse as the day went on. Maybe he was in a horrifying quidditch accident. But Madam Pomfrey had fixed up even the worst injuries in a matter of hours so I wasn’t sure what could have happened to him that she couldn’t fix.

Baz was back in class and it was like he never left. In our first class on Monday morning, he was already answering questions and showing off. He was also back to making faces at me every time we passed in the corridor but by Wednesday, he hadn’t cursed me yet. Maybe we were both growing up. 

On Wednesday after dinner, I went down to the potions dungeon. I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t gone down on Wednesday nights since that first week. I’d actually been doing passably well in potions. Not great but I was getting by, with a little help from Penny.

I pushed open the door to the potions dungeon and Baz was sitting there, as though he’d sat there every Wednesday even since September.

He glanced up at me from his book, ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ this time. “You’re late,” he said harshly, his eyes returning to the book.

“I’m late?” I said. “I’m only two minutes late. You’re two months late!”

He just shrugs, nose still buried in the book.

“Where the hell have you been, Baz?” I asked, nearly yelling. His eyes stayed down but he looked tense all of a sudden. I marched over to the table, reach across and slammed the book down, his hands pressed beneath the cover. “You can’t just turn up here and not, and not-”

“Finish a sentence?” he sneered. 

I growled and leaned closer, my hands still pressing the book to the table with his hands beneath it. He just stared back, his icy grey eyes narrowing slightly.

“Gentlemen,” said Professor Crucible. Neither of us had noticed him step out of his office. I took a step back from the table and Baz carefully closed his book before turning around to face Crucible. “I am thrilled to have you both back here working together again. But I could do with a little less noise.” 

“Yes, sir,” said Baz.

“Yes, sir,” I repeated after a moment.

“Good,” he said and disappeared back into his office.

I stomped around the table, flung my bag down and collapsed on to the chair.

Baz pointed to a page in our textbook which was already laying out on the table. “Surely, even you should be able to manage this one,” he said.

Baz-  
I not sure why I came down to the dungeon. I didn’t expect Snow to show up. I never understood why he kept asking me to help him after our initial punishment was over. Penelope Bunce is his best friend and she is currently the top of our year (though I just need a few months to fix that situation and overtake her).

But just like clockwork (faulty clockwork that always runs slightly late) Snow blustered into the dungeon, slamming books around and smashing into things. 

After a while, he calmed down and began to work steadily. He’s gotten much better at following directions and paying attention to details. There was only one moment when I had to stop him and make him look over a set of directions again to keep him from filling the dungeon with noxious fumes. 

The rest of the time, I just sat next to him and enjoyed his presence. I had a book to read but I always brought one that I had read a thousand times before. I knew it would be a waste of time to bring something I actually needed to focus on when all of my attention was directed at the person next to me though I kept my eyes on the page. 

I suppose I went down to the dungeon that night, not because I’d expected him to be there or because I really thought he needed my help but because, during those cold dark nights, huddled in a musty, damp basement, when my whole body ached from having nothing to sit or lay on except a cold concrete floor, when I was searching desperately for anything to focus on except the dire circumstances and the miserable room around me, my mind always supplied images of Snow, sitting next to me, pouring over a potions book with one finger tracing along the words as he read. 

And I was finally back there. He was there, sitting on the stool next to me, bending over a cauldron, the steam curling his hair and turning his face gently pink. 

I thought for a moment, I’d pushed him too far with my barbed comments when he first came in. But I was so relieved that he’d actually come, I was worried that it would show in my voice and I may have overcompensated with the viciousness. Just a little. 

It was like that last year, when we’d learned to brew Amortentia. I thought I’d been prepared. I thought I knew what it would smell like. And yet I dreaded that class from the moment that Professor Crucible announced that it would be coming. 

I’d been prepared for the smell of scones and tea. I’d been prepared for the slight astringency of the generic Hogwarts soap. I’d even been prepared for the slight smoky, smell that Snow himself seemed to exude that I’d smelled of a few times when we’d fought or when I’d had to lean close to show him something he’d done wrong in our potions lessons.

But I hadn’t been prepared for the swoop of my stomach as the potion came together and I caught the first scent. I’d thought I’d been prepared for it, but I had not. I froze where I stood leaning over my cauldron and my eyes involuntarily lifted and met Snow’s where he was watching me from across the aisle. A surge of heat rushed through my body, leaving my pulse racing and my hands shaky.

After class, I’d nearly run from the room, not stopping until I was out on the grounds, riding my broom at top speed over the Quidditch stadium.

The idiot had taken three weeks to get the potion right. Each Wednesday, as he worked, he bombarded me with questions about what the potion smelled like to me. I eventually made something up, flowers and vanilla, just to get him stop asking.

When he finally got the potion right, he leaned over the cauldron and took a big breath in and looked puzzled. 

“What does it smell like to you, then?” I asked. Because I could not help myself. 

“I’m not sure,” he said. “It smells cold, like snow. And like woodsmoke and oranges.”

“How can something smell like cold?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t do it right,” he said.

I leaned closer to the cauldron, closer to him, knowing full well what was going to happen. The only reason I did it was because I hadn’t fed yet and I knew I wouldn’t blush. I leaned into the cauldron and was inundated by his smell, amplified by a thousand.

“You did it right,” I said, gathering my things and sweeping out of the dungeon. 

Simon-  
After our first Wednesday lesson, Baz started ignoring me. Well, not ignoring exactly because I caught him watching me all the time. But he barely said anything to me except “Good evening, Snow,” as we left our Wednesday potions lessons. It was unnerving. 

I started talking during our lessons, just to fill the silence but also hoping to provoke him in to responding. I thought distracting him from his precious books would be enough to get something out of him, but he would just continue to read. I will never understand how he was able to read, tune out my talking and still watch what I was doing enough to keep me from destroying more cauldrons. 

Baz-  
For the rest of the term, I really tried not to openly antagonize Snow. That meant that I barely talked to him, worried that if I was suddenly too kind, he would somehow read my mind and realize I’d been in love with him since fifth year. But I saw him the corridors and at meals and in classes and every Wednesday. 

I let myself watch him though I tried to be too creepy about it. I felt like I had two months to make up for though I wasn’t sure what I was making up. It seemed to work somehow. Snow seemed less interesting in fighting in the hallways or exchanging barbs before and after class. 

He even started talking while he worked in our Wednesday afternoon lessons. Mostly, he talked about things that Penny had told him. It was incredibly endearing to hear how much he worshipped her. At one point, I found myself thinking, I could listen to him talk about basically anything for hours and be perfectly happy. 

I was beginning to look forward to Christmas break if for no other reason than as a respite from the pent up something I was feeling.


	5. Christmas Break

Simon-  
It was strange how quiet the castle seemed after the bustle of the last day of classes. Saturday came and everyone piled into the carriage after breakfast to head home for the holidays. I spent the day wandering the castle alone, feeling like a tiny pebble rolling around in shoebox. A few younger students were still here as well as some of the professors. Ebb stayed, of course as well as the house elves so the food was good as ever. Still after dinner, I had a hard time with the idea of going back to my common room to sit alone. None of the other Hufflepuffs stayed for the break.

I went up to my nook thinking that Morgana’s company would be better than nothing. She stayed in her frame and purring up a storm so, it was only when she stopped purring and sat up alert that I realized someone was walking down the hall below me. I recognized Baz's footsteps before he even passed under my nook and into my line of sight. I hadn't realized he was still here. He hadn't been at any meals and he had never stayed for a holiday before. Before I realized what, I was doing, instinct kicked in and I was clambering through the hatch and running down the spiral staircase to follow him. Usually, I would wait behind the tapestry for him to pass and then follow behind him but tonight I just ran out head long, coming out just in front of him. I clearly startled him and my inner fifth year was very pleased.

"What the hell, Snow?" he said. "What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be away with Agatha, celebrating the family Christmas?"

"I could ask the same of you, Baz," I said. "Well, not the same but I could ask you why you're still here?"

Baz glared at me. "It's absolutely none of your business," he said, brushing past me and stalking down the hall. In the dim light, with his cloak flaring behind him and light reflecting off his shiny, dark hair, he really did look like old fashioned movie vampire.

"No," I said, running to keep up with him. "But it seems like we're in for spending Christmas together, and honestly, I'd like to enjoy my Christmas so, can we just be nice to each other for the next four days?"

"No," said Baz, picking up the pace. I noticed, as he moved faster, that he was still favoring his left leg. "You wouldn't have to see me at all if you wouldn't come looking for me."

That reminded me that he hadn't been at any meals today. "Baz, slow down," I said. "Why weren't you at lunch or dinner?" He didn't respond, just kept walking at top speed. "Have you eaten at all today?" I asked.

"Again, how is that any of your business?" he snapped. 

I knew enough of how it felt to go to bed hungry to not wish it on my worst enemy which, incidentally, was what was going to happen if I didn't do something about it. 

"I can get you some food," I said. "I know how to get into the kitchens." Once again, Baz's only response was to walk faster. I reached out and grabbed his arm. "Seriously, Baz. I’ll leave you alone, I swear." He started pulling away, so I tightened my grip. "But I am going to get some food and I will be up in the owlery for the next hour and a half and I will mostly likely have plenty extra food that will go to waste if you don't come eat some."

"As if you would ever let food go to waste, Snow," he said, wrenching his arm away from me. He walked off again, but not as fast this time and I didn't follow him.

Baz-  
I was dead tired after hunting and probably could have laid down on the cold stone floor of the entrance hall and fallen asleep right away. But I knew I would wake up with hunger pains in a few hours if I didn't eat some real food. Blood filled me up, but I still also needed to eat. If I had to be a vampire, I should be able to manage on blood alone but, alas that is not one of the perks. 

I made my way up through the castle, my legs feeling like stone. I was definitely limping by the time I reached the top of the owlery tower. I stopped before I opened the door, but I could smell ham sandwiches and smoke. The smoke was Simon. I couldn't tell which smell was more alluring but either way, there was no way I was going to resist it and turn around to go back to Ravenclaw tower. 

I pushed the door open. Simon was standing, staring over the edge surrounded by school owls. I came up next to him and he didn't even look around, he just slid a wrapped sandwich along the ledge to me. I followed his gaze down to the grounds. So that's how he had figured out where I was going every night. I never needed to go to the owlery since I rarely sent letters home and I had my own owl anyway, so it never occurred to me that I would have been visible from the owlery tower for a moment as I ran across the grounds. 

I took my sandwich and slid down the wall so that I was sitting next to Simon’s legs. I was so exhausted that sitting on the hard, cold stone felt like bliss. I should have waited to come back to school. I should have found some way to get food up to my room rather than sitting and starving myself all day. I could get away with eating in the great hall when lots of people were there to distract those sitting near me from seeing my fangs. I was in the habit of arriving as early as possible for breakfast and eating as much as I could before anyone else arrived. I couldn't do that with so few people here and since there were so few people at school, they had shortened mealtimes, forcing everyone to eat together. I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the next two weeks.

Simon was blessedly quiet as I finished my sandwich. He sat next to me on the floor with an owl on his knee, stroking its head. I finished my sandwich and sat for a few moments enjoying the quiet hooting around me, watching Simons hand running over the owl’s feathers. I realized how relaxed and drowsy I had become and was instantly concerned. If I let my guard down around Snow, this much, this quickly, bad things would happen. I instantly straightened up and started getting to my feet. Snow jumped and I sneered at him out of habit. I figured I should try being nice to him, he had just brought me food after all.

"Thanks, Snow," I said, albeit rather gruffly.

"'Course, Baz," he said. "Night Baz." He was still sitting, crossed legged leaning against the wall behind him. I had never seen him looking so relaxed and inviting and I had to turn around and leave before my thoughts started getting even more out of hand.

Simon-  
Baz wasn't at meals the next day, so I stole more food from the kitchen to take up to the owlery. Not that you could exactly call it stealing when the house elves practically forced it into my hands.

I settled in to wait, my hands wrapped around a steaming mug of hot chocolate. The night was cold and dark and had that odd, pre-snow smell. I had never noticed it before I came to Hogwarts. The air always basically smelled the same in the cities I had grown up in, just worse in the summers. 

I saw Baz coming out of the forest. He was walking quickly but I swear he slowed for a moment and looked up at the owlery. I almost waved. I hoped he would hurry and get up here quickly because it was cold, and my nose was beginning to feel like an ice cube. Of course, as soon as I thought that, it began to snow big fluffy flakes that occasionally wafted through the window. It was peaceful watching the snow drift down over the top of the castle, almost like looking down through the top of a snow globe. 

A few minutes later, the door to the owlery creaked open. I looked over my shoulder and saw Baz's pale face peering through the crack in the door.

"Hi, Baz," I said, as I slide the sandwich along the ledge again. I had also brought some cookies and apples as well as more hot chocolate in a thermos. Baz walked unhurriedly to the ledge but once again, he sank to the ground to eat, leaning up against the wall. He had looked very rough when he got back from wherever he was at the start of term and, though it was nearly two months later, he still really looked in bad shape. It made me wonder if he had just been ill.

I poured some hot chocolate and sat down, handing the mug to Baz. Baz looked at me with strange expression which quickly morphed into a sneer. 

"You can be such a child sometimes," Baz said, gesturing to the hot chocolate. The marshmallows still had their shape. They must have been enchanted.

"Well, I would have thought you would like something warm to drink after spending the last hour traipsing about in the woods," said Simon. "But I guess a warm drink was the reason you went into the woods in the first place."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Baz snapped his glare intensifying.

"I know the reason why you go out to the woods every night and I know the reasons why you won't come to meals so wouldn't it just be easier for everyone if you would just stop pretending that you’re not-"

"Shut up, Snow," hissed Baz.

I glared at him. I really didn't understand. I knew what he was, and he knew that I knew, and I was still sitting with him while he ate sandwiches and I drank hot chocolate. Though he still covered mouth with his hand each and every time he took a bite. 

We sat in silence for a while but eventually the cold really started to get to me. The snow was piling up around us in little mounds and I was starting to shake all the way down to my bones. 

"Tomorrow is Christmas Eve," I said, trying to keep my voice causal.

"Thank you, Snow. I was aware," he replied though his voice didn't have its usual bite.

"You could try being nice to me," I said. "I am the one who's keeping you from starving."

"I'm fairly certain I can't starve," he said.

I stared at him for a moment because that sounded oddly like a confession. 

He glared at me some more and said, "Close your mouth, Snow. You look even more brainless than usual. What were you saying about Christmas Eve?"

I closed my mouth and shook my head at him. "I assume you are not coming to the meals even though it is Christmas Eve tomorrow. For dental related reason?"

"No, I will not be eating in the Great Hall tomorrow," he said, slowly. 

"Well, since it seems like it will be cold and snowy tomorrow, I think if you want me to bring you food, you should come down to the Hufflepuff common room and eat there," I said, all in a rush. I was pretty sure he would say no on principal to spending time in Hufflepuff let alone spending time in Hufflepuff with me. 

He didn't say anything for a while, just stared at me like I was sprouting tentacles from my forehead. But eventually and with great reluctance he said, "I suppose it would be warmer. But it would still require me to eat in front of Hufflepuffs."

"Just the one," I said. "Everyone else went home."

"Fine," he said. "If I must."

"But," I said, regretting what I was about to say before I even said it. But it had to be said. "But you need to promise to try and be nice, alright? It's Christmas and even though I can't be with Penny or Agatha, I still want to enjoy it. And it's my only chance to have Christmas at Hogwarts," I finished in a rush. Baz stared at me some more but at least he wasn't laughing.

"What, would you like to make a pact, Snow?" he scoffed.

"No, don't be dramatic," I said. "Just promise and shake hands."

"Fine," he said again. He reached out his hand and I took it. It was cold but his grip was firm. "I promise to be as nice to you as I possibly can," he said, and we shook. I began to pull my hand away, but he was still holding on tight. "You need to promise as well," he said. 

"What?" I said. Baz opened his mouth about to respond but then clearly thought better of it. So at least he seemed to be trying. "I promise to be as nice as well," I said. We shook again and Baz dropped my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kind of weird to posting a Christmas fic in July but isn't it nice when it's hot out to imagine it being cold and snow? That's what I'm going with.


	6. Christmas Break Part II

Simon-  
Baz wasn't in the entrance hall when I left from lunch. Ebb's cat Goat was though, so I didn't mind waiting. She was stretched up on her hind legs, trying to get at a piece of tinsel that was hanging off the banister, just out of her reach. I took it off and pulled it across the floor for her to chase. 

Baz-  
I waited until I heard the first students returning from lunch before I made my way down to the Entrance Hall. I took my time, telling myself that it was because I wanted everyone to have left lunch, so they didn't notice me lurking and realize that I hadn't been to meals for the last three days. But really, I didn't think Snow would show and I wanted to be able to tell myself that he had waited but got bored and left. 

I came to the last landing on the grand staircase and looked over the ledge, preparing to be disappointed. But Snow was there, sitting on the bottom step, teasing the caretaker’s cat with gold tinsel. I could see him laughing every time he pulled the tinsel away in time, making the cat pounce at nothing. I let myself watch for a few moments. I realized how rare it was for me to see Simon being this free and happy. He was finally looking health and well rested too.

Snow had always come back from summer breaks with looking like he hadn’t slept the whole time. He was often pale with big circles under his eyes and usually seemed to be sleep walking through classes for the first few weeks of the term. I was used to this but seeing him at the beginning of fifth year was really a shock. He looked truly terrible, not only exhausted looking but thin and gaunt, with dark circles under his eyes and greyish cast to his skin. I hadn't noticed until we were in the Great Hall for the feast where I watched him attack his food. It took me longer than I like to admit to myself that I was enraged, not at him but at the people who had done that to him. I tried to promise myself that I would back off, that I wouldn't do anything more to him that he couldn't shake off. He made it very difficult for me that year, watching and following me constantly. I only led him near Aragog's clearing in the hopes that it would scare him off a little and save me the nervous breakdown that his constant scrutinizing was about to bring on. 

And now, I was about to spend an hour with him alone. Merlin, this was a bad idea. I was about to turn around and go back up the stairs when the cat noticed me and hissed. Simon turned and saw me, and it was too late to retreat with dignity. 

I walked unhurriedly down the stairs. "I didn't mean to break up this meeting of the minds," I said, scathingly nodding towards the cat who was bounding off up the stairs.

"At least she's a good judge of character," said Snow, standing up from the step and pulling his sweater straight. "'C’mon Baz, let's go get some food. I'm guessing you'll be less cranky after you've eaten."

Simon-  
The house elves were happy to give us as much food as we could carry, even though lunch had just ended. We walked down the hallway from the kitchen to the common room balancing, pasties and Christmas cakes and cookies and bottles of pumpkin juice. When we got to the barrels, I set down the bottle I was holding and pulled out my wand, tapping 'Hel-ga Huf-fle-puff' on to the barrel. The barrel opened and I ducked down to duck through it.

Baz scoffed behind me. "That's how you get into your common room?" he asked. "You just tap a barrel?"

"Yes," I said as I moved up the tunnel.

"The same barrel and the same pattern every time?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"That's ridiculous," he said. "How do you keep anyone from wandering in?"

"I don't know," I said. "It's never been a problem before." I emerged from the tunnel into the common room and was more than a bit surprised. When I had left for lunch, the common room looked as it always did any other day of the year, the same portrait of Helga Hufflepuff, the same plants on the shelves and hanging from the ceiling, the same squashy chairs and couches. But in the hour I had been gone, someone had decorated the entire room for Christmas. Swags of evergreen crisscrossed the ceiling, sparkling with tiny lights. Christmas trees on either side of the fire, covered in tiny candles, added a warm glow to the room. They were decorated with ornaments designed to look like each of the Quidditch balls as well as wooden badgers dressed in scarves and hats and throwing snowballs or skiing. 

I was still standing in amazement at the front of the tunnel when Baz nudged me in the back. "What are you gawking at, Snow? This is your common room, isn't it?" he sneered.

"Of course it is," I said. "It's just that, when I left for lunch, none of these decorations were here. And now it looks amazing."

Baz was silent for a moment, considering. "Yeah, it doesn't look too bad," he said. 

I set our food out on a small table by the fire while Baz wandered around the room picking up books and looking at plants. I sat on the sofa and picked up a sandwich, though I’d just finished eating lunch. Baz wandered unhurriedly around the room for several more minutes before finally settling himself on the sofa next to me. I don’t know how he manages that much self-control. If I had gone a full day without eating, nothing would have been interesting enough to keep me away from the food. 

We ate in silence for a few minutes. I watched the flames in the fireplace licking along the logs as I ate. It was surprisingly peaceful to sit next to Baz and it was unusual for the common room to be this quiet it so I decided to enjoy it.

After a while, I noticed Baz watching me. “What?” I said, but without as much bite as I usually use when talking to him.

Baz wrinkled his eyebrows and looked away before looking back at me and asking, “Were you surprised?”

“What?”

“Were you surprised to see the Christmas decorations?” he asked. He seemed almost hesitant. But I’d never seen Baz hesitate in his entire life.

“Yeah, I was, a bit,” I said, completely at a loss.

“Have you never stayed for Christmas break?” he asked.

Oh. “No,” I said slowly, unsure of how much to reveal. But surely none of this was a secret. “I’ve spent every Christmas with the Wellbeloves. But Aggie and I broke up a few months ago so we thought it might be uncomfortable for me to stay.”

“What about Penny or Mr. Potter? Aren’t you his project?” he asked. His tone wasn’t malicious, but his words still raised my hackles.

“I wanted to stay this year,” I said. I set my mug down on the table a little bit harder than I meant to, sloshing some cocoa on to the table, and stood. I knew that if I shared one little part of myself with him, he would be terrible about it. 

After several long moments, I heard him murmur “Tergeo”. It was silent for a moment. “I can understand that,” he said softly. “This Christmas has been unexpectedly pleasant.” 

I turned to respond to him, but he already had his nose buried in a book. 

He must have meant what he said because we spent most of every day together for the rest of break. We read a lot. I’d read more for fun than I ever had in my life. But we played chess too or exploding snap once. And often, we just talked.  
***  
I was curled on an armchair by the fire, reading ‘Prince Caspian’, the crackles of the fireplace lulling me half to sleep. It was peaceful, despite the fact that Baz was on the sofa right next to me. He had been reading as well, but he had clearly fallen asleep long ago. It looked like he'd needed it. He hadn't seemed himself since he returned to Hogwarts on Halloween. He seemed thinner, more vampiric than usual. He had started the break with dark grey circles under his eyes but rather than receding, they only got larger and darker. Enough that I, Baz's worst enemy, was starting to worry about him. 

I tried to read my book, but it was warm and cozy and my eyelids were starting to feel heavy. I suddenly jerked awake as I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. Baz had flinched in his sleep and now he was breathing so hard and fast that I could see his chest rising and falling and hear him panting. He jerked his head from side to side, his mouth forming silent words. He began to curl in on himself and the book that had been resting on his stomach fell to the floor. "No, stop," I heard him whisper.

I began to move toward him hesitantly. I had had enough nightmares in my lifetime to know that the longer they continue, the worse they become. But I worried what Baz would do to me if he knew I had seen him like this. He flinched again as if he had been punched and I moved toward him, crouching next to the sofa. "Baz," I whispered. "Wake up." He didn't react except to knit his eyebrows together and scrunch up his eyes. "Baz," I said again a little louder. I could see little drops of tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. I grabbed his arm, shaking it. "Baz," I nearly yelled. "Wake up!" 

Suddenly, his arm thrashed out knocking me hard in the shoulder so hard that I was knocked off balance backward, my head smashing into the table behind me. "Bloody hell, Baz!" I really yelled this time. He sat up on the sofa and peered down at me from the sofa. 

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing, Snow?" he sneered. 

I glared at him from the floor. "I was trying to help you, you ungrateful twat" I said, rubbing the back of my head. “You were having a nightmare!”

Baz stared at me for a moment, but he seemed to be less annoyed with me. 

"Let me look at your head," he said. "Make sure you don't have a concussion." He reached down offering me his hand. I gaped at it for a moment before I grabbed his hand and let him help me up. It was his fault I had been knocked to the floor in the first place.

"Sit," he said, shoving me gently to the sofa.

Baz-  
I walked around behind the sofa, just to keep something between me and him. His hair was a beautiful gold made even more vibrant by the firelight shining on it. So few people have truly blond hair and it is rarer still to find hair that is true gold, the color of galleons. Except, Simon’s hair is better still because there are more shades and it is deeper and more inviting. I ran my fingers through his hair. It is so soft, even where he keeps it short. When I brushed my fingers over the top, his hair prickled slightly but when I pushed my fingers deeper, it was softer than silk. I could have spent all night running my fingers through his hair. The hair of my enemy. Because clearly it is my lot in life to suffer.

Eventually, he spoke, disturbing the dreamlike stillness of the fire and his hair. "You could tell me what you were dreaming about that made me hit my head and nearly get a concussion."

I stayed behind him. He was still facing away from me, looking into the fire. I hadn't really spoken about it to anyone and I wanted to so desperately. Every time my mind went still, every time I closed my else, the images of their pale faces and blood red lips came back to me. It had gotten worse over Christmas break with no one to talk to, no distractions of my roommates. It felt as though they were there constantly, a weight in my mind. If I could share it with another person, maybe they could take some of the weight from me. My fingers were still combing through Snows hair, feeling for bumps or cuts. "It was the vampires." I whispered, nearly involuntarily. 

He turned to look at me. "The ones that turned you?" He asked.

"No." I couldn't look at him and say it but I had to say it. So I looked down at the floor instead. “The ones that kidnapped me at the start of term.”

And I told him everything. More even than I had told Aunt Fiona when she rescued me or father after I had been recovered. I told him how my family had been on holiday in Hogsmeade, a last family trip before my sister started her first year at Hogwarts. My family owns a small house in Hogsmeade from when my mother was the headmistress. I had gone into the forest the night before the start of term feast for a feast of my own. I had caught a few rabbits and was sitting, draining them when three vampires came up behind me, grabbing my arms and throwing a bag over my head. Vampires had a knack for silence, and they don't have a scent and I hadn't known of any vampires in the area. But still, I had been stupid, letting my guard down like that. Most vampires can't apparate so they carried me for ages, walking out of the forest to a car before stuffing me in to the boot. They didn't remove the bag from over my head until hours later when they shoved me into a tiny, windowless basement room that smelled of mold and sewage. 

I was chained by my left leg to the wall, but the chain was so short that the manacle bit in to my leg constantly. They brought me blood, but they rarely brought me any food. And that was where my first two months of my last year at Hogwarts were spent.

I had been staring at the ground throughout the whole story, but I finally looked up at Snow. He was completely turned on the sofa, his head resting on his arms along the back of the couch. His eyes were dark blue pools and glints of firelight reflected in them too. He was completely caught up in my story and staring at me with no signs of animosity on his face. It was glorious. 

"How did you escape?" he asked in a hushed voice.

“Well eventually, they dragged me back out of the basement room and into another car.” I said, moving around the sofa to sit in the chair by the fire. “They took me to a meeting of several vampire factions because the group that kidnapped me was angling for political control. They kidnapped the only wizard vampire anyone had ever heard of to show how strong and powerful they were.”

Too bad for them, they didn’t have anything on my Aunt Fiona. She apparated into their meeting, which she said was easy because they can’t do magic to ward themselves.” She was amazing two watch, casting curses left and right and was definitely much scarier looking than any of the vampires. 

“How did she know where to find you?” Simon asked.

“She said she had to seduce a vampire,” I said. Snow looked at me for a moment and then began laughing. He was clearly trying to stop himself but just wasn’t able too. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he said. The sound of this laughter sent a wave of warmth through my body and I began to smile too.

“That’s okay,” I said.

After several moments, he took a deep breath and brought his laughter under control. “Sorry,” he said again. “It’s just that your aunt seems pretty cool. I’d kind of like to meet her except that she also sounds terrifying.”

I nodded my head. “Cool and terrifying about sum her up.”

Simon sat silent for a long moment. I reached to pick up my book from where it had fallen on the floor when Simon spoke again.

“Baz,” he said. “Does all of that have something to do with why you’re spending Christmas at Hogwarts this year?”

I nodded, feeling suddenly exhausted. I’d told Snow this whole story, why not tell him this last little detail? “My stepmother never knew that I am-what I am,” I said, looking away from Simon’s face again. “My father instructed me to hid it. But we couldn’t after Fiona brought me back. I have three younger stepsiblings so I really don’t blame my stepmom. She just wants to keep them safe. But she said she didn’t want me in her house anymore.” 

Snow flinched and looked as though he were going to move toward me or stand and walk away but he stopped himself and stayed where he was. “I could go to Fiona’s but when I was there to recover, she spent the whole time ranting about my father and my stepmom and excepting me to get mad with her. I couldn’t handle two more weeks of that. And I don’t blame my stepmom. Who would want a monster around their children?”

“Baz,” Snow whispered and that time he did look like he was about to reach out and touch my arm. I stood before I he had a chance to. 

“Thank you for the food, Snow. Good evening.”


	7. Valentine's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it seems as though I had posted a chapter out of order. I went back and fixed it but if there was any weirdness like chapter suddenly disappearing and reappearing, that is why.

Simon-  
"Baz."

"Go away, Snow."

"'C’mon, Baz. If we don't leave now, we won't get to go." I sat down across the table from him.

"I'm busy." He certainly did look busy with all his books and papers spread out around him. But it was a perfect sunny day with fresh snow, and it wasn't even that cold. Baz and I had been spending more time together outside of classes and potions since Christmas break so I knew that Baz literally hadn't been out of the castle walls since Christmas. He looked even paler than normal, which was saying something. I reached out and flipped the book he was staring at shut.

"Baz, if you didn't want me to find you, you would have stayed in your common room rather than coming the library, your favorite place in the whole world. But you didn't. And everything outside is covered in snow. And that's my name. So, we're going."

"What does that even mean?"

I flipped another book shut.

"If I don't come with you, are you going to stay here bothering me?"

I turned over a stack of his papers.

"So, either way, I'm not getting any work done," he said.

I grinned.

And pushed a quill off the table for good measure.

As soon as we passed through the gate, Baz seemed to start getting jumpy. We had left so late that there was no one else in sight on the long the path to Hogsmeade but Baz still jumped and every sound or shadow in the woods on either side of us. We walked in silence for a few minutes, but I watched Baz out of the corner of my eyes as his eyes darted from side to side. 

A startled rabbit near the trees suddenly spooked and ran off through the snow and into the shadows, the movement drawing my attention away from Baz when he jumped and bumped into me. I reached to steady him, and my hands landed on his arm and his side. He became still for a moment but then wrenched his arm out of my grasp and stepped away from me.

"Keep your hands off me, Snow," he growled and began striding away down the path. I ran to keep up with him, my feet sinking into the snow with each step. 

"Baz, wait!" I yelled. "Stop! I didn't mean to!" Birds leapt into the air at the sound of my yelling and Baz flinched away from the movement. His face turned toward me for just a moment, and I saw that his eyes were glistening and wet. 

I speed up and finally reached him, grabbing his arm without thinking.

"Get off!" he yelled turning away from me and into the forest.

He was running now, and I followed after him, past a large boulder and several fallen trees. I quickly lost sight of him, but I followed his footsteps and found him sitting huddled at the base of a tree, knees pulled up to his chest, hands in his hair and his head hanging down.

He didn't look up as I careened around the tree and then slammed myself down on to my knees in front of him. I reached out to touch him but remembered at the last second and pulled my hands back, instead grabbing on to the roots on either side of him.

"Baz, what the hell?" I puffed. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Snow. Go away," he said.

"First of all, you don't look fine," I said. "And second, I'm not going to just leave you here." He didn't say anything so after a moment, I said, "I'm sorry for making you come out. I shouldn't have forced you."

He huffed, almost the beginning of a laugh.

"What?" I said.

"You couldn't force me to do anything, Snow," he said, his voice muffled.

I leaned back on my heels. "Let's just go back to Hogwarts," I said.

"You wanted to go to Hogsmeade so badly, so why don't you just go?" he asked. "I'll go back to Hogwarts on my own."

"Well, I already told you I'm not leaving you on your own like this, so no," I said.

He was silent. I watched him for a moment.

"It was a little strange for you to run into the forest like that," I said.

"It's not like it matters," he said.

"What?" I asked, squinting at him.

He clenched his hair, his knuckles turning white.

"It doesn't matter," he muttered. "The vampires will get me some day. It may as well be today so I can be done with the waiting."

"Baz", I said, leaning forward again. I just wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him. It was infuriating that he wouldn't even look at me. "You are being particularly stupid today. You know if any vampires want to take you, they have to go through me, right?"

"Simon," he said in a tiny, strangled voice.

"Baz, could you just look at me? You're making me nervous," I said.

Nothing.

I finally grabbed his shoulder with one hand. With the other, I began trying to untwist his hand from his hair. "Baz, you’re not usually this stupid. You should leave the stupid to me," I said. I was just saying things to be saying something as I worked to pry his hand away from his hair. My other hand had found its way to his neck and I could feel his pulse beating so fast beneath my thumb. He didn't pull away, but he didn't look at me either. 

"Baz, would you just look at me?" I muttered.

He finally looked up. His eyes were red and angry. I had finally managed to get his hand out of his hair, but he was holding my hand so tight, I was a little worried about fractures.

"What do you care, Snow?" He snarled. "What would it matter to you if the vampires took me?"

"It would matter, you idiot!" I practically yelled. 

"No, it wouldn't," he said. "You wouldn't even think about me after I was gone."

"Yes, I would!" I said. "I thought about you every day you were gone! You were all I thought about! I barely slept." He shook his head like he didn't believe me, like he wanted to shake away the truth. "Ask Penny," I said. "She called me obsessed. She said she was worried about me for how much I was worried about you!"

He was shrinking away from me again and I couldn't think what else to do. I leaned forward, wanting to keep him looking at me. And then I was kissing him. My lips were on his cold, soft lips and my brain was absolutely empty. Then I felt him breathe and move and I realized what I was doing. I started to move back but he held on to my hand, pulling me forward. His other hand must have found its way out of his hair because it was latched on to my coat and was pulling me towards him. 

Baz-  
One minute, I had been sitting on the frozen ground, absolutely wrecked and behaving like a complete fool and the next minute Simon Snow was kissing me. It was enough to make my head spin. His hand was on my neck and his thumb rubbing in a very soothing way though how I had enough brain power to notice that with what he was doing with his mouth and lips, I do not know. 

Maybe I should run into the woods crying like I've lost my mind more often if this is the outcome. 

Simon-  
I'd been kneeling on the ground for so long that my knee was beginning to hurt. I must have been kneeling on a very sharp rock. I kept kneeling though, afraid that if I moved, whatever stars had aligned for this moment to happen would unalign and Baz would stop kissing me. It was worth the discomfort because I realized just before it happened that kissing Baz was something I had wanted to do for a very long time and I wasn’t about to jeopardize it when it had just begun. 

Baz-  
Just as quickly as it started, it's over and Snow is pulling away from me. I pull my hands away from him like I had been shocked. I try to stand, to push past him, but his still sitting like an oaf on the ground in front of me. "Move, Snow," I snarl.

Simon-  
"Baz," I say. He's crouched at the base of the tree, looking like a sprinter about to run at the sound of the starter's pistol. His face is masked again except I can still see the streaks from the tears that had run down his face. I put my hands up. "I'm not going to touch you if you don't want me to but please don't go anywhere. You know there's all kinds of creatures in the forest."

Baz's eyes refocused on me. "Of course I know, don't be daft," he spat. "I know better than anyone. The vampires, the took me from right here. I was sitting right here, and they took me."

"God, Baz. I didn't know, I didn't realize," I said. I fully expected Baz to call me out for sounding like an idiot. But he didn't say anything, he just stayed crouched in front of me, his eyes darting from side to side. He looked so much like a wild, terrified animal that I was worried that he was going to run. And I didn't know if vampires could run at superhuman speed or not. 

I put my hands on his arms, to ground him or maybe hold on to him if he tried to run. "Sorry, Baz. Please," and then Baz kissed me. I held tighter on to his arms. This was good. I liked kissing him, knowing where he was and what he was doing. I pulled away before I was fully ready this time, kissing him once more on the lips and then on the jaw before nuzzling my nose in to his neck. "Let's go back to the school," I said. 

“Yeah,” said Baz. “Let’s go.” 

The walk back to school was quiet, neither of us know what to say. But we walked close together, our shoulders and hands bumping and each jolt was like a spark of electricity. 

It wasn’t until that night, when I was laying in bed listening to the sound of rain against the windows and replaying the events of the day that I realized what Baz had said. “They took me from right here”. My eyes snapped open and I stared into the darkness, trying to understand what to make of that. Baz said his family had been in Hogsmeade before the start of term. He must have been hunting in the woods when he was taken. My eyes were wide open but unseeing in the pitch black of my canopied bed as my mind turned this bit of information over and over, trying to find out what to do with it. I knew I had to go back to that spot. Eventually, I began to be able to close my eyes. I finally drifted off to sleep two thoughts spinning in my mind. I had to go back there. I had to help Baz.


	8. In the Library

Baz-  
I was not looking forward to seeing Simon after the incident in the woods. We had become friendly since Christmas, but I didn’t think I would be able to handle being around him after having been kissed by him once and never able to do it again. 

Because, of course he only kissed me because I was completely losing it. That’s how Simon Snow operates, with blunt force. Except, he probably thought I’d hurt him if he’d punched me, so he kissed me instead. But I can’t expect him to repeat it any time soon.

I saw him out of the corner of my eye as I was leaving breakfast. I had eaten early and was heading up to the library before my first class. Simon had been making a bee line for the great hall but the moment he saw me he swerved to follow, nearly taking out two first years in the process.

“Hi, Baz,” he said cheerfully as he caught up to me on the stairs. He’s always so bloody cheerful. I don’t know how he manages it.

“Snow,” I said gruffly, not breaking my stride, barely looking at him.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“The library,” I said. I was walking fast, hoping he’d get the hint, but he just kept bouncing along at my side like an overgrown puppy.

“What are you going to the library for?” Simon asked. “There is no way you’ve left anything until the morning it’s due. Come eat breakfast with me.”

“You know I don’t like to eat in the Great Hall,” I said. I was nearly running at this point, but he was still there right beside me.

“Okay, well then come sit with me while I eat,” he said, looking ridiculously hopeful. I had to force myself to keep staring ahead to stop myself getting lost in looking at him. I knew how his lips feel now, how it feels to have his warm, course hand on my face. 

“You have the table manners of a mountain troll,” I snapped. “Why on earth would I want to eat with you?” We had reached the library and I yanked the doors open and ran in. I found a table, hidden by the stacks and collapsed into a chair, my head in my hands pulling on my hair. I vaguely thought, ‘I need to stop pulling on my hair or I’m going to give myself bald spots’. But really, I was thinking about Simon. He’d looked hurt, probably less from what I said than from the implication that we weren’t going to go back to being pals any time soon. It seems like Simon has a pathological need to be liked by everyone but he’s just going to have to be disappointed. 

I started when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and into Simon Snow’s glowing golden face. Again.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” I said, twitching my shoulder away from where his hand was resting. I began to yank random books and scrolls out of my bag. “I just have work to do. In peace and quiet.” I said.

“Ok,” he said, sitting down. “I have some work to do too.” 

“It wasn’t an invitation,” I said.

He paused with a book halfway out of his bag. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked, staring me down.

How could I say yes to that question when my entire being was crying out, ‘No! Never leave!’ So, I settled for, “You’re missing breakfast.”

“That’s ok,” he said. “I’d rather be here with you.”

I gaped at him, my mouth hanging open like a fish. I thought I must be going mad. There was no way Simon Snow just said he’d rather be with me than eating scones. He smiled at me, almost shyly and scooted his chair closer to mine and leaned into me for just a moment. It’s just our arms that touch but it gets my heart racing. 

“One kiss and you think the world is upside down, “I said under my breath. He looked up at me through his eyelashes and it is so unfair that he should be able to look at me like that. “Two kisses,” he said before wrapping his hand around the back of my neck and gently pulling me down to kiss me on the lips. 

A moment later, he pulled back to look at me. I couldn’t even begin to process how I was feeling or what was even happening so I just lowered my head to press my forehead against his and just breathed. And he let me hang on him for long moments, his thumb tracing my cheek bone. 

Eventually he pulled away and as he does, the world around us comes back in to focus. I could hear students in the distance noisily moving off to class. 

“Can we meet up later?” Simon asked, watching me with his big puppy eyes. 

“Sure,” I said. “Back here, after dinner?” 

“Great,” he said, hitting me again with his blinding grin. And then he leaned forward once again and kissed me before rushing out of the library.

Simon-  
I absorbed even less of what the professors say than usual. But is it my fault when Baz is so distracting? Every time I saw him in the hall, I couldn’t help the ridiculous smile that took over my face. I would have worried because Baz just sneered in reply but during break in the courtyard, he was standing next to me discussing arithmancy with Penny. I nudged the back of my hand against the back of his and he immediately laced his fingers in mine. Thank Merlin for our robes or Penny would have known something was up for certain.

So, I didn’t care what Baz acted like during the day because I knew I’m going to get him to myself that night. 

Of course, Penny did realize something was up pretty quickly. She’s not the smartest witch in the year for nothing. But how could I blame her for suspecting something when I’d been giddy and jumpy all day like I’d been hit with an overdone Cheering Charm. 

“What has gotten into you?” Penny finally asked as we walked into the Great Hall for dinner. “You have been in far too good a mood all day.”

She glared at me and another giant smile broke across my face. I had to cover my mouth with my hand because I knew there was no way to get it to go away and Penny was glaring so hard it looked like it was about to become permanent. 

“I can’t talk about it yet,” I said. “But I swear I will tell you about it as soon as I can.” We sat at our usual seats. I piled some food onto my plate and immediately picked it up and turned around. Since Baz and Penny had started getting along, Baz sometimes came and sat with Penny and me though he refused to turn around in his seat and talk to us. My eyes kept flicking to the door, hoping to see him walk in even though I knew I would see him soon in the library. 

Penny noticed where I was looking and glanced back over her shoulder. “Are you watching out for Baz again?” she asked. “I thought you’d have gotten over your obsession with his plotting when you became friends.”

“I know he’s not plotting,” I said. 

“But you are looking out for Baz,” she said.

“I’m not not looking for Baz,” I said. The flow of students coming into the Great Hall had slowed to a trickle but Baz hadn’t shown yet. This wasn’t completely unusual for him, but I had hoped that today of all days, he would come. I started shoveling food into my mouth so I could get up to see him quicker. 

I looked back at Penny who was glaring at me over her plate. I tried to swallow so I could speak without spraying mashed potatoes at her. “I swear Penny, I will tell you everything as soon as I can.” I paused to swallow again. “Some stuff has happened but it’s not only my story to tell and I have to make sure that it’s ok for me to talk about it to other people.”

Penny stared at me the way she stares at her Ancient Runes homework. “Something secret has happened,” she said. “Something that has to do with Baz. Something that is making you very happy.” I was watching her closely, so I saw the exact moment when she figured it out and an evil spark of understanding flashed through her eyes. She began to smile. “You and Baz,” she said slowly. 

I looked down and focused on eating my food as fast as I could, but I could feel my ears turning red. 

“You and Baz, what?” she whispered, leaning close to me. “You’re dating now? You kissed?” 

“Penny stop,” I hissed, this time spraying a good amount of potatoes. But I couldn’t help the ever-present grin working its way across my face again. 

“Alright, fine. But I want all the details just as soon as you make sure it’s ok with him for you to talk about it,” she said. “But tell him, he can trust me not to spread gossip.” 

I put my plate down and grabbed some bread and a pasty. “Ok, I’ll tell him,” I said. “Can you spell these so I can take them in to the library?” 

I few minutes later, I was skidding to a halt in front of the library doors. I walked as quickly and quietly through the library as I could to the table where I had found Baz that morning. Except this time, his head was resting on his folded arms on the table and he was sound asleep. I sat down next to him and watched for a moment. It might be a little creepy to watch someone you’d just started dating (where we even dating?) sleep but he looked peaceful in a way that he never looked when he was awake. 

But as I watched, his dreams turned to nightmares again. I watched his face crease and his head begin to thrash. I reached out to touch his shoulder. He thrashed his arm out as he woke but I was ready for him this time. I grabbed his wrist and held on to his hand as he blinked blearily at me.

“Hey,” I said softly, holding his hand in both of my own and gently trying to rub a little warm into his fingers.

“Hi,” he said, a small smile lighting up his face.

“Are you… ok?” I blurted out, not wanting to make things awkward but also not entirely able to move past seeing him in the middle of a nightmare again.

“I’m fine,” he snapped, the expression on his face changing to a scowl. He began to pull back his hand, but I held on tight. 

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to imply anything. I just want… You know you can talk to me, right? If you want to. You don’t have to. But I’m here for you.”

Baz stopped trying to pull away and just stared at me for a moment before looking down to contemplate our intertwined hands. “Thanks,” he said, softly.

He sat for a long time, just looking at our hands. Then he took a deep breath and shook himself a little. I knocked my knee into his leg a little, and said,”I brought some food.” 

He looked at me skeptically. “How did you sneak food in?” 

I pulled a ceramic turtle and small branch of driftwood. “They’re transfigured,” I said, noticing his look of distaste. “Don’t worry, I had Penny do it.” I took out my wand and slowly traced the shapes in the air, first over the turtle whose legs began to retract and whose shell changed from brightly colored to golden brown. As the pasty took its original shape, it even began to steam a bit. The bread was a lot easier and quicker since the driftwood was very similar in size and shape. I finished up and pushed the food, and the napkin it was sitting on, across the table. 

“Thanks,” Baz said again. 

We sat together and did homework while he ate, mostly in comfortable silence. Once he was done eating, he cracked open a giant and very ancient book and spread it in front of him. I was still working on a herbology essay which he had obviously finished long before. As Baz settled in to read his weirdly large book, he reached under the table to grasp my left hand. He glanced at me for a moment as if to ask if it was ok and I gave his hand a squeeze under the table. 

Several hours later, we began to hear students packing up their books, pushing in their chairs and chatting or saying goodnight as they left the library. Baz rolled out a shoulder, jostling my hand and arm and rousing me from the star chart I had been staring out for the past twenty minutes. Baz checked his (very fancy) wristwatch. “Curfew is in ten minutes,” he said. “We should…”

“Ok,” I said. We began to pack up our books, standing close enough together that our arms bumped occasionally. I grabbed the napkin that had held Baz’s dinner, planning to return it to the kitchens on my way back to Hufflepuff common room. The napkin reminded me of Penny and what she had asked me earlier.

“Baz,” I said, watching him put his quills into a fancy quill case before tucking them in to his bag.

“Mmm-hmm,” he said, still looking down at what he was doing.

“Is it ok… only if it’s ok with you. But, can I tell Penny?” he glanced up at me warily, and then back at his bag, suddenly far too focused on making it organized.

“Tell her what?” he asked, just a hint of sharpness in his voice.

“About us,” I said. Some of the tension left his shoulders and he let out a breath. “Not, the…” I suddenly realized what he thought I was asking. I looked around making sure there was no one around. “Not about the vampire thing,” I whispered. “Just about, you know, us.”

Baz-  
I straightened up and looked at him, a warm glow spreading through my chest. I tried to clamp down on the feeling because I didn’t really know what ‘us’ entailed. Yes, we’d kissed a few times and this evening studying together and holding hands had been nice. Restful. But still, it seemed best to proceed cautiously rather than jumping to assumptions. 

“What exactly is there to tell?” I asked, immediately hating how defensive I sounded. But I leaned into it and added a sneer for good measure. But it seemed that Simon was already learning to call my bluff because his sunny smile didn’t waver in the slightest.

“I want to tell her how much I enjoy spending time with you,” Simon began, his smile taking on a slightly wicked quality. “I want to tell her how smart you are, though she probably already knows that. I want to tell her how much I like your hair and how it’s just as soft as I thought it would be.” He takes a small step toward me, resting a hand against my neck and rubbing a strand of my hair with this thumb. “I want to tell her about all the times we kissed.” I must have made a face because he added hurriedly, “Not a lot of details. Just that it happened.” He was staring at me with such intensity that I was not at all sure what my body was going to do next. The options were between my legs giving out and kissing him within an inch of his life.

Simon still had more to say, which felt a little bit like torture. “I want to tell Penny that you have the highest expectations for yourself of anyone I’ve ever met and that it’s ok if you don’t always meet them. Because even if you don't, you’re still doing so much better than the rest of us.” I opened my mouth to say something, but Simon stopped me. “Wait, I’m almost done. The last thing I want to tell Penny is that I’m not sure what we are yet but I’m so excited to find out.” 

And then he leaned forward and kissed me, thank Merlin, because the combination of him being so close and him saying all those wonderful things was tearing me up inside. And I was also possibly tearing up a little and I had cried in front of Simon Snow enough. 

We broke apart after a long moment but still too soon. We gathered our things and walked out the library door. We stopped for a moment in the hallway before going our separate ways. 

“Goodnight, Snow,” I said, beginning to turn away. He reached out and grabbed my arm before I could take a single step. I let myself be pulled back to him, half expecting him to kiss me again.

Instead he stood in front of me, his face defiant and his hand a vice on my wrist. “Ok, listen,” he said, and my stomach sank because there was no way this was going to be good. “I know it’s not really any of my business, but it is a little bit my business because I care for you. You’ve had some-some not good stuff happen to you. And I know you want to pretend that it’s all ok. But it’s ok if it’s not ok.” He ran his free hand through his curls. “I’m here for you and I want you to talk to me about stuff if you want to. But also…” He paused for a long moment and licked his lips before continuing. “I’ve been talking to a therapist for years. It was something Mr. Potter set up for me when I started Hogwarts. At first, I really hated it but it really helped me.” He took a deep breath as though he had forgotten to breath getting all that out. I took a breath too because I had certainly forgotten to breath listening to it. “Anyway, I think it could help you too. My therapist is really nice and it’s nice to have someone to talk to who doesn’t judge you or expect anything from you. And I don’t think she’d be bothered by the… you know…” and he raised both hands to his mouth, pointing his index fingers down. 

I turned away when I realized he was making a vampire face. His hand reached out and touched my shoulder. “Sorry, Baz. Sorry,” he was saying. And my shoulders were shaking but from laughter this time. I turned back towards him, realizing he would be more upset from thinking I was upset than from me laughing at him. 

“Really, Snow?” I asked, imitating his gesture and laughing even harder. As soon as he realized I was laughing, Simon began to crack a smile. I reigned myself in as quickly as I could and reached out to take his hand again. “Thank you for the offer. I’ll think about it.”

But as I turned away a few moments later, I thought, ‘There’s no way I’m going to go tell some stranger all my secrets.”


	9. The Forbidden Forest

Simon-  
It was cold and misty, and the wind was blowing but me and Penny still went for a walk down by the lake after lunch the next day. As we moved away from the castle, Penny tucked her hands in the crook of my elbow to keep them warm. 

“So?” she said, her eyebrows raised in expectation. “Can we talk about whatever happened between you and Baz?” 

“Yeah,” I said and the smile that had been ever present the past few days broke across my face again. Smiling was starting to hurt, I had been doing it so much lately. I tried to think of how to start but, though I finally could talk about it with my best friend, I realized I had no idea where to begin. “Christmas,” I said out loud, but more to myself.

“You’ve going out with him since Christmas?” said Penny, mock offended.

“No, no.” I said. “That’s just when we became friends. We were the only two seventh years here and we spent a lot of time together. And then, you know, we started hanging out after break was over too. But so, Valentine’s.” I stopped for a moment. I needed to talk to Penny about that moment in the woods because if anyone could help me help Baz, it was Penny. But I wasn’t going to break my promise and actually out Baz as a vampire even though I was pretty sure Penny knew. 

We stood at the edge of the water and the wind whipped against us and even I was starting feel a little chilly. I tried to angle myself to block Penny from the wind as much as possible. “So, on Valentine’s Day, Baz didn’t want to go to Hogsmeade, and he wouldn’t say why so I pressured him to go with me because I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But he was acting so weird and nervous. And then, something freaked him out and he took off running into the woods. So, I chased after him. Eventually, I caught up to him and he was sitting on the ground crying.”

Penny was staring up at me, her eyes huge. “Then what?”

“Well, he was talking crazy and making me really scared. So, I kissed him. But Penny, he told me where he was at the beginning of the year. He was kidnapped and important thing is that he said, that was the spot that he had been kidnapped from. That’s why he was so freaked out.”

“Kidnapped? Really?” I nodded. Penny stood silent for a moment, shivering in the breeze. “Poor Baz,” she said, finally. “I can’t imagine.”

“I have to do something,” I said, with such conviction that I half expected some dramatic lightening or an earthquake to punctuate my words. But instead the wind just kept blowing and the water kept lapping up on the rocks edging the lake. 

“Of course,” said Penny, leaning into me a little. “I’m sure you’re helping already, just by being there for him.”

I scoffed at that. It didn’t feel like helping, not in any meaningful way. “I want to fix this for him,” I said, trying to explain the swirl of feelings that arose and washed over me every time I thought about that moment in the woods. The joy in finally understanding what I felt for Baz, the electric excitement at kissing him, the sorrow at seeing his sadness and hearing it in his words, the fear of him disappearing again. 

“How?” asked Penny.

“Well, I suggested he talk to a therapist, but I don’t know if he’ll do that. And it was different for me than it is for him. Yeah, things were rough for me but by the time I started at Hogwarts, I knew it was all in the past. Baz doesn't know who the kidnappers were or where they had him hidden.”

“Simon, what are you planning?” asked Penny.

“I need to get back out into the woods and just see if there are any clues,” I said, realizing as I said it how unlikely it sounded. 

“Or you could stop acting like a hero in some romance novel and just tell a professor,” said Penny. 

“If Baz had wanted to tell someone, he could have,” I replied. 

“Do you really think he wants his boyfriend running around the Forbidden Forest on his own?”

I started smiling again and Penny looked at me with her head cocked to the side, “What are you grinning about?”

“I guess I didn’t realize, I mean we haven’t talked about it, but I am kind of his boyfriend, aren’t I?” I said, feeling heat rise to my face despite the cold air.

“Wow, you’re really gone on him, aren’t you?” asked Penny. 

I nodded my head.

“So, I’m not going to be able to talk you out of your ridiculous plan?” asked Penny.

“Nope,” I said.

“Well fine. I guess I’m helping you then,” she said.

That night, after dinner, I met Baz in the library again, at our secluded table. I sat down next to him and smiled at him. He smiled back and I realized that, though it still felt odd to me, I could just lean forward and kiss him, and he wouldn’t curse me in to a thousand pieces. So, I did.

When I leaned back again and looked at him, he had a soft look on his face which made the fact that I was probably going to have to lie to him that much worse.

We worked for a while in mostly companionable silence. As I wrote my essay, Baz occasionally tapped my paper say, “You might want to check that again.” Every time I looked up to catch him scrutinizing my work, he was intently focused on his own essay. 

After about an hour, I began to pack up. “I’m going to go meet up with Penny,” I told Baz.

Baz squinted at me. “Why?” He had a look on his face that I couldn’t quite parse. Disappointment or jealousy maybe?

“We just have a project we’ve been working on”, I said, fully aware that I sounded a bit cagey.

What project?’’ he asked.

‘Just homework,’ I said.

Baz looked at me even harder. “Snow,” he said. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, because Merlin help me, I think I do. But you’re acting odd. And I just- Just please promise me that you’ll keep yourself safe and not do anything stupid.”

“Yeah, Baz. Of course.”

“And promise that you won’t go into the Forbidden Forest,” he added.

That sent a shock through me. So, he wasn’t jealous. He just had apparently read my mind and knew what me and Penny had planned.

I tried to act casual as I could as I looked him in the eye and said, “Of course. I promise.”

“Meet me in the owlery later?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, and I shouldered my bag and headed out of the library

Minutes later, I was outside behind the greenhouses where Penny was waiting for me. 

“Hurry up,” she said. “They're just finishing up and heading back to the locker room.”

I stashed my bag under a bush and turned to Penny. “OK, I'm ready,” I said. 

She pulled out her wand and flicked it against my head. It felt as though an egg had cracked on my head and the yolk was running down my head and body. 

“Cool, “said Penny, reaching out to touch my arm and hitting my chest. She felt her way over to my arm as though she were lost in the dark instead of on the grounds on a reasonably well moonlit night. She grabbed my arm, tuning me from side to side. 

“This amazing! “she said. “When you move, I can just barely see your outline but when you're still, I can't see you at all! “

“When you're done admiring your work, you can do yourself as well,” I said. 

Penny just smirked at me and twirled her wand around herself, blurring and blending into her surroundings. 

We neared the broom shed just as the Hufflepuff Quidditch team was approaching to put their brooms in after practice. We waited in the shadows alongside the wall, watching the team file in and out. The team captain, Shelby Macmillan was the last in and I followed her as she went through the door.

I tried to tuck myself away in a corner, but I bumped into a broom on the way. I caught it with my arm before it fell, and it looked like it was leaning up against the wall. You’d have had to look close to see that it was actually about a centimeter away from the wall and apparently leaning on nothing. Shelby was halfway out the door when I shift ever so slightly, sending the top of the broom handle sliding several inches along the wall. 

Shelby paused in the doorway, looking back into the broom shed. Her eyes swept across my corner and I held my breath. She must have thought that she was just imagining things because the next moment, she turned and left, locking the door behind her. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to pick out the brooms I was about to steal.

I picked two school brooms that were in reasonably good condition. I’d never been the best flyer, not nearly as good as Baz but I had enjoyed learning and I at least knew to look for a broom without a lot of broken bristles. 

We had decided that our best option was to steal, or ‘borrow’ as Penny put it, some brooms to take out to the spot in the forest. We thought it would take us too long to walk and we also both liked the idea of being able to get away quickly if we needed to.

I picked out two brooms and several minutes later, I heard Penny tapping out the all clear.

Outside, we mounted up and flew towards the shadowy tree line of the forest. We sailed low over the gate and then sped along the path to Hogsmeade. I noticed a boulder along the path that I remember Baz running past as he sprinted into the woods. I set down my broom and turn to Penny.

“I think this is it,” I said. “He ran straight into the trees. We’re looking for a hollowed-out tree with a log alongside it.” 

“Well, we have a lot of trees to look at, so we’d better get going,” said Penny. 

We lit our wands, slung the brooms over our shoulders and headed into the trees. It was slow going, looking at each tree along the way. Occasionally, Penny would shout to me to come look but none of them looked familiar. 

After what felt like nearly an hour of walking through the forest, I was sure we had gone too far and passed the spot. I turned around to tell Penny we should head back when I recognized it. The tangle of roots and the fallen tree were exactly as I remembered them. 

I ran to the spot, shouting to Penny, “Over here! This is it!” She came running to join me, the light from her wand bouncing through the gloom of the trees. We began to search the ground around the trees, moving logs and branches and shuffling through piles of old leaves. When nothing turned up near the tree, we began searching meticulously in widening circles.

Only a few steps from the tree, I noticed a bit of rubbish peeking through the leaves. I bent over and brushed the leaves aside to reveal a receipt for petrol from a station in Grimsby, dated from the day before Baz was kidnapped. 

“Penny,” I yelled waving the receipt at her. “I think I found something!” Penny ran towards me, crashing through the leaves and the branches from the other side of the large tree. “Look,” I said, shove the receipt at her. Part of the receipt had been ripped away and it was dirty and brown, but the writing was still clearly legible. 

“What do you think this means?” asked Penny. “Do you think this is where the kidnappers were from?” I thought back to the details Baz had told me, trying to piece it together like a puzzle. “He said, he was kidnapped at night. They put a hood over his head and threw him in a van. He said, they drove all night and he thought it was early morning when they arrived. He said he could see that the sun was beginning to come up from the light from under the bottom of the hood. And he said he thought it smelled salty, like he was near the ocean. So, I guess it could all fit.”

Penny was staring fixedly over my right shoulder, the way she did when she was hyper focused on a problem. “How long would it take to get to Grimsby from here? Four or five hours? I guess that would make sense for August, since the sun comes up so early. It would help if we had more detail. Like, if we knew what time Baz went out that night. We should go talk to him and ask.”

“No!” I said, forcefully. Penny looked at me, surprised. “Penny, he made me promise I wouldn’t come out here.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have promised him if you knew you were just going to break your promise,” said Penny. I glared at her. “And what was the point of coming here if we can’t talk to him and figure out exactly what happened?”

I raked my hand through the front of my hair. “I don’t know,” I said. “I just need to know what happened so I can tell him, so he can feel safe.” I stared down at the ground, not able to look at Penny after admitting that.

After a moment, she stepped forward and hooked her arm through mine. “It’s ok,” she said. “I understand. You know I’d move heaven and earth for Micah if I had to. Literally.” 

I looked up at her and she smiled at me. She turned and began moving backwards the path, towing me a long. She stopped and picked up our brooms, handing mine to me. I folded the receipt carefully and put it in my pocket before taking the broom.

“What was he doing in the forest that night?” Penny asked. 

“I can’t tell you, Penny,” I said. “It’s not my secret to tell.”

“But you know, right?” she asked.

I nodded. 

“Ok,” she said. “I’m just watching out for you, you know.”

“I know,” I said, bumping her shoulder gently with mine.

Penny and I flew our brooms back to the broom shed and locked them back up. I walked with Penny back to the Ravenclaw common room but then continued up to the owlery. It was about time that Baz would be getting back from hunting and I was looking forward to our first chance to spend some time alone since things had changed between us. 

I pushed open the door to the owlery and at first, I thought I’d beaten him there. A movement in a dark corner of the tower caught my eye. Baz was sitting, curled in a tight ball, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head on his knees. His hair fell forward and completely hid his face from me. 

I practically ran across the small room and sat and knelt beside him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He shook my hand away, turning away from me. I sat down next to him, putting enough space between us to make it clear that I wasn’t going to try to touch him again. 

“Baz, are you ok?” I asked, not knowing what else to say though it was very clear that he was not.

“Do I look ok?” he said sharply. I saw the rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathed shuddering breaths. I was trying to figure out if I should ask him another question or try to reach out to his shoulder again when he suddenly started spitting out words like hail hitting a window. “It’s been half a year. If I haven’t gotten over it now, who’s to say I ever will? It feels like I can’t remember a time when I could sleep or relax.” He made a choked, sound and whispered, “And if I can’t remember it, how will I ever get back there.”

I felt the pain in his voice like a punch to the gut. I knew things had been hard for him, but I had no idea that it was anywhere near this bad. I tried to say something to comfort him or at least respond to what he’d just said but I couldn’t form words. I wanted to stand and pace around the room, but I also wanted to hold on to him and never leave his side. I ran both my hands through my hair and then, almost without my permission, words started tumbling out of me. “I felt that way when I first started here,” I said. “Do you remember how I was? I never talked; I was half asleep all the time. I did abysmally in my classes because I couldn’t remember things one day to the next. But things are so much better now. 

You don’t have to feel this way forever, Baz. I know it feels like you’ll feel like this forever and it’s never going to change, but it will. I want to help you however I can. I just want you to be happy and okay.”

At some point during my tirade, Baz had raised his head up off his knees and he was staring at his with grey eyes. “Why do you care so much if I’m happy or not?” he asked, frowning at me. 

And then I couldn’t help it anymore. I reached out and pulled him to me. He tucked his head into my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him. Emotions bubbled up but I couldn't find the words to tell him why I cared about him so much. I just held him tighter.

“I’m just so tired,” he said, hollowly. 

“I know,” I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do we need plot? Why can't there just be emotional gooey scenes one after another? Anyways, this is my first attempt at a fic with an actual plot and it is hard! But most of the boring "moving the story ahead" is done now so we can get back to the good stuff!


	10. Up the Spiral Staircase

Simon-  
Me and Penny got to Charms so early the next day that Professor Flitwick wasn’t even there yet. We hovered by the door impatiently until we saw him coming down the corridor. 

“Professor!” I called as I ran toward him.

“Good morning, Snow,” he said, handing me a stack of books and parchments so he could reach into his robes for his wand and unlock the door. “I can only imagine your early appearance has something to do with the essays that I am handing back today. I can assure you that you will have adequate time to argue with my marking during class.”

“No, it’s not that, professor,” I said, as I struggled to balance the stack of books and papers, he had handed me. “It’s about Baz.”

Professor Flitwick finally stopped fussing with the papers on his desk and looked up at me and Penny, who had come to join me. 

“I’ve told you before, Snow. I cannot discuss the personal affairs of the students who reside in my house.” He looked at me over his glasses with just about the sternest expression I’d ever seen on his face. 

“We found something that could help find Baz’s kidnappers,” said Penny. She pulled the receipt out of her pocket and laid it on the desk. 

Flitwick stared down at it, still frowning. “Would you care to tell me what I’m looking at?”

“It’s a receipt,” I said. “Muggles use them when they buy things to… well, I don’t really know why but it has the date, here.” I pointed.

Flitwick nodded, picking up the receipt to examine it more closely. “This is a receipt for petrol, is it not? Fascinating.” 

“We think that’s where Baz’s kidnappers would have come from, so we think maybe that’s where they took him as well.”

“Very clever,” said Flitwick, the sparkle of good humor returning to his eyes. “I’m glad you both came to me. We’ll go up to the headmistress’s office after class and show this to her.”

Charms had never seemed so slow. I was jittery and full of energy and sitting still was nearly impossible. I was bouncing my heel so much under my desk that Baz put his hand on my knee and leaned over to whisper, “Alright, Snow?”

I just nodded and tried to give him a smile, but it must not have been that convincing because he kept his hand on my knee for most of the rest of the class. 

When class finally ended, Penny and I hung backing, waiting for the other students to clear out. Baz stayed too, waiting for us. 

Finally, all the students filed out and Flitwick called to us. “Ms. Bunce, Mr. Snow. You can come with me now. Mr. Pitch, you should probably come as well.”

As we left the room, Baz pulled me back with a hand on my arm. “What is this about?” he hissed. 

“You’ll see,” I said. I took his hand, pulling him down the hall. “Please, don’t be too mad at me.”

Baz-  
I followed along, unsure of what I was being led in to. After that suspicious display that Snow put on last night and this odd procession, I felt I had a right to be nervous. 

But it was mark of how much Simon had already ruined me that I followed along without further protest or questions. Because, honestly, I would have followed him anywhere. 

We walked through the school, only stopping in front of the gargoyle’s protecting the heads office. I was getting more and more nervous because only one thing could necessitate Snow, Penny, Flitwick and I going to the headmistress’s office. 

Flitwick said the password, ‘magpies’, and the gargoyle’s stepped aside to reveal the spiral staircase.

I only vaguely remember the heads office from my mother’s days as headmistress, but I remember loving the gargoyle’s and the spiral stairs. I used to play on the stairs, riding up and down and then sitting and talking to the gargoyle’s, pretending they could understand me. 

We rode to the top of the staircase and Flitwick knocked on the door.

“‘Enter,” called Professor McGonagall from within. 

The door swung open and we stepped in. I had been in the heads office enough while it was my mother’s but I don’t really remember what it was like when she was here. Much of it would likely have been the same. I do remember my mother had a small shelf for me with parchment and crayons and a few books and toys. She also had a candy dish on her desk that was always full of small chocolates and mints. McGonagall had a tartan biscuit tin.

She looked at us over her glasses as we stood in front of her desk and asked, “What can I do for you today?”

Penny and Snow stared at each other, eyes wide, as though silently daring one another to speak first. 

Flitwick watched them for a moment and then cleared his throat as he reached into his pocket. He withdrew a small scrap of paper and slid it across the desk to McGonagall. “Ms. Bunce and Mr. Snow may had uncovered a lead which could help us discover the whereabouts of the, uh, nerdowells, that abducted Mr. Pitch last summer.”

It felt as though a wave of icy water had crashed over my head. My hands shook and I could suddenly feel my heart pounding too fast. Snow went into the Forbidden Forest? After promising me he wouldn’t? 

He was staring at the ground, his eyes fixed on a point several inches beyond his toes. I wished he would look up at me so he could see how clearly furious I was with him. I barely heard the conversation that Flitwick and McGonagall where having. It sounded as if their voices were coming from far away or under water. 

My senses began to sharpen again after a moment, and I heard Professor McGonagall saying my name. I shook my head as her words filtered into my consciousness. 

“I know this could be difficult, Mr. Pitch but could you give us more details from the day that you were abducted?” she asked. “When were you taken? And do you know how long you traveled?”

“I don’t want discuss it,” I snarled from between clenched teeth. My eyes landed on my mother’s portrait. When I’d had to be in this room before, I’d tried to avoid looking at it. My father had warned me before I’d started school that I was not to talk to it, that it wasn’t her, it was just a memory. But now I stared at it because, of the faces in this room, hers was the least painful to look at. No expectations or demands to hear my story, only peaceful slumber.

“Basilton,” croaked Professor Flitwick at my side. “I know it is difficult to talk about what happened but finding the people who took you could help bring you closure.” He laid a hand on my arm, a gesture that I suppose was meant to comfort. It took all my willpower not to jerk my arm away and storm off. Instead, I slid my hand off the arm rest and crossed my arms tightly across my chest.

McGonagall moved to a map of the United Kingdom that was hanging on the wall. She drew a circle around Grimsby and the map dissolved and resolved to show a detailed aerial view of the area. The image moved and I could see cars running along the road, flocks of sheep in their fields and the shadows of clouds move across the landscape.

Professor McGonagall stared at me for a few moments. “Mr. Pitch, we can put this matter to rest. We just need a little information from you to do it.”

“I don’t want to,” I said, hating the phrase and my petulant, wavering voice. 

McGonagall frowned for a moment. 

“Mr. Snow, Ms. Bunce, twenty points from each of your houses for going into the Forbidden Forest without permission. But you each get five points for the loyalty you show to your friends. Now, I believe you both have classes to get to. You may leave.” Snow began to protest but McGonagall stopped him with a look. “Now,” she said firmly.

As he stood to leave, his eyes caught mine. He looked at me his giant blue eyes, wide and glossy as though he was about to cry. I looked away, my anger at him for going into the forest mixing with my fury at him for daring to be upset right now.

Simon-  
I knew I should go to class, but I couldn’t leave the corridor outside the headmistress’s office. I paced the corridor for a while before leaning against the wall across from the door and finally sliding to the ground. I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest for what felt like hours.

Finally, the door opened and Baz step through. He halted when he saw me and glared at me with bloodshot, red rimmed eyes. He sneered at me and then turned and stormed off down the hallway. 

I clambered to my feet and chased after him, catching him by the arm and forcing him to turn. “I’m sorry, Baz. I-”

Baz yanked his arm away and continued down the hall. “Leave it,’ he said. 

I ran after him. “Please, can you let me explain?’ I asked.

He stopped at that and whirled to face me. “No,” he said. “You don’t get ask any thing of me. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, feeling as though I had been punched in the gut. I stood in the middle of the hallway. “Baz!” I called one more time, my voice cracking.

Baz finally stopped walking, but he didn’t turn. It felt like the ending of something that had only just begun, and I knew I was to blame and there was nothing I could do. “Just, do you have someone to talk to?” I asked, needing to know that he would be alright.

I saw his shoulders slump. “Yeah, Snow,” he said, his voice a little softer than it had been a moment before. 

The next moment, I was sure I had imagined it as I watched him walk away down the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes. We are back to juicy, juicy emotions land. Like cold water on a hot day. 
> 
> Anyway. It's always darkest so on and so forth.


	11. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it snuck up on me a bit but this is the last chapter!

Baz-  
I suppose it was cruel to fully ignore him, but it was the only thing that I could do to keep myself from feeling like I was about to split in two. Every time I heard his voice, my heart sped up. I constantly felt like there was a magnet in my chest pulling me towards him. If he was in the same room, it was only by force of will that I kept myself from staring at him. I didn't even have the cold comfort of looking at him as I used to because every time I looked at him, he was staring at me and I had to look away. 

I did start therapy. At first I thought I was so broken as to be unfixable. I left every session feeling worse than when I went in. I longed for the peace of the owlery and sometimes I even went and sat up in the cold tower. I half expected Simon to be there, wished to see him. But he never was. Maybe he knew I would go up there and he was giving me space. Or maybe he was too busy with his friends. 

A month after the meeting in McGonagall’s office, Professor Flitwick asked me to stay after charms class.

I stood by his desk while the rest of the class filed out. Snow’s eyes were fixed on me and he was practically walking backwards out of the classroom. Penny had to grab him by the arm and pull him to the side to keep him from walking into the door frame. It made me almost want to laugh.

When the room was empty, Professor Flitwick finally turned to me. “I just received word this morning. Your captors have been apprehended and are being held in Azkaban. There will be a trial but there is strong evidence against them. You don’t have to worry about them anymore.” I expected to feel something at his words, elation or at least the tension releasing. But I felt exactly the same.

I nodded and turned to walk away.

“Mr. Pitch, are you quite alright?” I looked back to Flitwick and he seemed concerned. “If you wanted to take rest of the day off from lessons, I could let your professors know.”

“I’m fine. Thank you, professor,” I said, turning to walk away. The last thing I needed was for the rest of my professors to pity me the way Flitwick does.

Snow was waiting for me in the corridor, of course. Because he is a nightmare.

I glared at him before turning to walk away. He ran to catch up to me, grabbing my arm. I shot him the fiercest look I could summon up and he pulled his hand away immediately, but he still kept walking, almost running at my side. “Did they catch them?” he asked. 

“Yes,” I said, curtly. 

He stopped walking for a moment and called out, “Baz! Please stop.”

I stopped, feeling betrayed by my own legs which had stopped moving forward of their own volition, and not because I am weak and can’t refuse him anything when he asks in that voice. I didn’t turn around though. He stepped to my side, as though afraid to stand in front of me and give me a reason to run off. 

“Are you ok?” he asked softly. 

I couldn’t help it. I looked into his kind, unremarkable blue eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. He looked like he didn’t quite believe me. “Seriously, I’m fine. I’m talking to a therapist, I’m eating, I’m sleeping. I’m fine.”

The relief was visible on his face. “Good,” he said, a small smile beginning to form. “Baz, is there any chance that we could go back? You know, to how we were before?”

Now my heart was betraying me too because I felt a warm glow spread throughout my chest. But I remember the absolute fury I felt when I learned that he had promised me something and then immediately broke that promise.

“I don’t know,” I said. His warm smiled disappeared like a storm cloud passing in front of the sun. “Do you understand how I felt when I heard you and Penny were running around the Forbidden Forest? You know what kind of things live in there. Can you imagine how I would feel if something happened to you while you were in there? Because of me?”

His face went pale and I thought maybe he did understand. He reached out and wrapped his cold fingers around my wrist. It was odd that his fingers were cold. Of the two of us, he was usually the warm one.

“I don’t have to imagine,” he whispered. 

Oh. Of course. 

“Simon,” I said, lifting my free hand to his jaw and staring into his icy blue eyes. And then he pulled, or I did, and we were wrapped in each other’s arms, holding too tight, his chin pressing hard into my collar bone, solid and reassuring. 

After several moments, I began to disentangle myself. “I’m going to need some time. But I want-” I gestured between us. “This.”

Snow nodded, his smile returning. “Ok.” He reached out to take my hand. I let him. “Just tell me, you know, if there’s anything I can do.” 

“Right now, I think I’d just like to be alone,” I said. “But maybe, I’ll come find you and Penny at dinner.”

Simon-  
Penny and I were turned around in our seats over dinner when I saw Baz enter the dining hall. He froze for a moment in the doorway and then began walking towards us. He sat down next to Penny and began filling his plate. “Snow, Penny,” he said.

Penny looked at him and then back to me, her eyebrows raised. 

“Hey, Baz,” I said. He glanced at me and then turned back to his food. Penny looked like she was about to say something to him, but something made me interrupt her. “What do you think we’ll have to transfigure for our N.E.W.T.?” I asked her. 

She looked at me for a moment like I was sprouting tentacles from my face and then shook her head. “We’ll I’d heard from a few people that it's typically a large-scale animal transfiguration so I would guess maybe a mouse into a horse or something like that?”

I glanced at Baz. It seemed as though some of the tension had gone from his shoulders.

Baz-  
By the middle of May, I was finally starting to feel like myself again. It helped that I’ve begun sleeping better. Talking to the therapist about what happened and separating the reality of what happened from the fear of what could happen was helping too. She also gave me a few potions to help me fall back asleep if I had a nightmare. Knowing that I would be able to fall back asleep gave each nightmare a little less power. 

Simon never gave up on me. He kept talking to me, pulling me in to conversations with him and Penny. We sat together in the library most nights, mostly in silence. He didn’t push me. I’d asked him to give me time and he listened.

Then one May evening, I was sitting eating dinner with him and Penny and a ray of setting sun caught him, setting his curls on fire and washing his face with gold. And I realized, I’d had enough time.

I stood to leave and then I turned to Snow. “Go for a walk with me,” I said, holding out my hand.

His eyes lit up and he took my hand following me out of the dining hall.

Simon-  
I expected him to take us out onto the grounds but instead he turned, and we began climbing the grand staircase. He wasn’t saying anything and for once, I was happy to keep quiet. I wasn’t sure where we were going or what was going to happen once we got there but for now I was happy to just be near him again.

His hand in mine was cool but not unpleasantly cold. The back of his hand was smooth and soft but the fingertips of his left hand were rough and calloused and I could feel them brush against the back of my hand as he wrapped his fingers around mine. 

He looked good too. Of course, he always looked good but the dark circles under his eyes were finally starting to recede and, while he still had cheekbones that look like they should be sculpted, they were much less pronounced than they had been. 

After several minutes of walking, I realized where he was taking me. “The owlery?” I asked.

He turned back to me with a burning smile. “Where else?”

At the top of the last staircase, he pulled the door open and then stepped back to let me go first. I walked in and then turned around to find Baz right in my space. He had a look in his eye that should have made me nervous, considering that I knew he was a vampire. But it didn’t make me nervous, not at all.

He paced towards me, looking like the cat that was about to get the canary. “I asked you to give me time and space.” He stepped towards me and rested his hands gently but commandingly on my waist. “I am grateful that you listened to what I asked for and respected it.” He began to walk me backwards pushing me back until I was pressed up against the stone wall next to the large window that dominated the owlery. “But I’ve had enough time now.” The fire that had burning in my chest suddenly flared. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “So now I’d really like to kiss you if you’re-” 

I reached up and pressed my lips to his. He was really talking too much. I saw his eyes widen in surprise but then he shut them, and I shut mine as well. At felt like the only parts of me that existed were the places where his hands were pressed to my back, my arms were wrapped around his shoulders with my fingers threading through his soft hair and our lips meeting in the middle. 

After a few minutes or maybe an hour (who knows, really?) I pulled back needing to calm my breathing and my racing heart. I pulled him close, resting my chin on his shoulder, listening to the gentle hooting of the owls and the wind in the trees of the Forbidden Forest and smelling the spicy citrus scent of his hair. 

It felt like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!


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